Six Bands I Would Fight if I Could

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4. Jet

Jet comes from the same country as AC/DC -- one of the greatest rock bands of all time -- yet songs like "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" demonstrate a clear misunderstanding of what makes rock music so great. That fact alone forces me to engage the band's members in fisticuffs, in an effort to punch them in the head to the point where they are as stupidly awesome as their 1970s-era forefathers.

Really, I'm just trying to help.

The Fight: I'd give Jet a fair, one-on-one fight -- these guys don't seem like insufferable fake pieces of shit like the rest of the bands on this list. But still, I really want to feel a pair of aviator glasses break on my knuckles.

3. Lit

That riff, man. That awful, horrible, stupid riff from "My Own Worst Enemy." How does someone make an electric guitar sound so despicable?

Like everyone else on the planet, I haven't been following Lit's career, but evidently the band is still around. Although its material has become even more faceless and forgettable, the impact of that 1999 guitar riff makes me want to gnaw on an aluminum can until my gums start bleeding. Just please, give me a chance to punch at least one nautical star tattoo off a guy wearing a fedora and vest.

You want rock & roll, you Orange County hacks? Maybe don't hold a goddamn guitar while you're wearing a Krokus shirt, for starters. And what the hell is up with your guitarist's Guy Fieri haircut?

The Fight: No fight necessary -- I'd just remind the band of its first failed attempt at becoming rock icons, the previous embarrassment that is RAZZLE, and watch its members crumble in shame.

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Drew Ailes
Contact: Drew Ailes