The Fifteen Worst Make Out Records Ever

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It's a classic Valentine's Day dilema -- you've planned ahead, made the sweeping gestures, made eyes across a white tablecloth and now you're ready to express yourself with some good old fashioned parts-rubbing. Whatever you do, don't play any of these records.

15. Captain Beefheart, Safe as Milk

Making out to this record makes total sense, especially if you are a sinister character in an early '90s Oliver stone film, and your partner is a hillbilly drunk on moonshine. Just try to keep a straight face and maintain a close intimacy during songs like "Ziz Zag Wanderer" and "Abba Zaba." I dare you. No really, that would be funny as hell.

--Brian Rash
14. Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville

Liz Phair's mid-'90s masterpiece is the album equivalent of setting a Hallmark store on fire.

--Kiernan Maletsky
13. Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music

If you want to get the mood right, Lou Reed's middle finger to his record label is something you should keep hidden. Somewhere in the cacophony of drones, free jazz and feedback, a certain number of people have found joy in the record. But they probably haven't had an enjoyable make-out session with it on the turntable.

--Eric Grubbs
12. The Flaming Lips, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Although this wonderful album is riddled with Wayne's ethereal pop tunes and overlain by spacey samples, don't let it fool you! This is no album for a lip lock, unless you plan on keeping things PG. Like the venus fly trap, Yoshimi will have you thinking you're about to land in a cushy love pit, and when you least suspect it, you'll be knee-deep in a slumber, with tinsel drool snaking down your face. Making out to this album is as boring and uneventful as that stint in your parent's basement.

--Rachel Watts
11. The Melvins, Houdini

The message this album sends out is that you've understood really slow music is a good idea, but you can't quite get out of the metal frame and mind and have left yourself exposed to a number of problems, not least of which is that Buzz Osborne does not have anyone's idea of a seductive voice. The sludge metal Barry White? No. It would be like doing James Hetfield really, really, really slowly.

--Gavin Cleaver
10. Any Live Dave Matthews Band Recording

Really, any of them. I know there are those people out there who have a "thing" about DMB. You want to argue about the poetry of his lyrical content, or wax guitar about the Tim Reynolds period and you have such a good time traveling every year to some camping trip where he plays live and it's like, really, but no actually very good and we conceived a baby so it is romantic, see?! No. I am talking about the live recordings of these transcendent experiences and they are loud and agressive and the songs are very, very, long. I know because during the summer there was some terrible human who insisted on playing the live version of his favorite DMB hits on the jukebox of a volleyball club I frequent. One of those magical Boyd Tinsley violin solos was roughly 24 minutes long and sounded, maybe, technically great, but I can only describe it as sonically violent. All I remember thinking is, "Whoever chose this really has no sense of time or place in regards to music." Moments later I thought, "Oh no, I bet this human fucks to this." Don't.

--Deb Doing Dallas
9. The Postal Service, Give Up

Let's be real people, this is not your legendary indie love album, this is your legendary Ben Gibbard lashing out album. This is never more apparent then during the midway point of "Nothing Better" where ten years before Kimbra cut down Gotye mid song, Jen Wood does the same thing to Gibbard, but with almost visceral glee. Call me old fashioned, but lyrics like "I feel I must interject here/ you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself " don't exactly inspire me to feel warm and fuzzy.

--Jaime-Paul Falcon
8. The Simpsons Sing The Blues

I mean, can you imagine? What message does that even send out? I'm struggling to figure it out, but I can tell you that I am literally listening to this album right now, and if anyone I was attempting to sex (I am a master of seduction) chose this as the album they wanted to get down to, I would not only stop the impending avalanche of woo, I would flee, clothes or no clothes.

7. Willie Nelson, Phases and Stages

For starters, it's doubtful that concept albums in general are conducive to heavy petting, as keeping up with any sort of story line takes focus away from the person you're petting so heavily. When the concept album is about divorce, with one half being from the male point of view and the album's other half being from the female's perspective, this landmark album is seriously one to stay away from when looking for some mood music. We love Willie, but his nasally delivery isn't exactly going to make the undergarments of either party drop in the way that Barry White's or Al Green's does.

--Kelly Dearmore
6. Metallica, Kill 'Em All

This album just screams S &M. Songs like "Motorbreath," "Seek & Destroy" and "No Remose" evoke images of whips, chains and hooks straight from a Hellraiser movie. Jesus, by the end of this album, you're losing teeth, jumping through fire and experiencing whiplash as some gimp spanks you for premature blow (not the kind you snort either).

--Christian McPhate
5. Randy Travis, I Told You So: The Ultimate Hits of Randy Travis

Making out to this album will leave you and your date lying naked in the middle of the road. It sounds like a good time until you here some drunken old man screaming, "I told you so, bitches!" as he drives your wrecked car to the gas station for a pack of smokes.

4. Big Black, Songs About Fucking

Never mind that album cover, which could just as easily be that woman giving birth or being brutally murdered as engaging in the titular verb. This record is just the sound of power tools applied angrily to concrete and the intent is much the same. Plus, I challenge you to be simultaneously turned on and picturing Steve Albini.

3. Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver

On the surface, the lush and often gentle arrangements on this excellent record would seemingly provide ideal soundscapes for quality making-out. As Justin Timberlake famously portrayed in a 2012

Saturday Night Live

skit, it's Justin Vernon's vocals that are likely to put one to sleep, when sleeping is never really what's on anyone's mind when making-out is ready to kick into a higher, more scintillating gear.

2. Pantera, Vulgar Display of Power

Do this: Start kissing your lover, slowly at first, and then build the intensity and passion little by little. Perhaps the Cure is playing, or Phil Collins or something. Wait until the mutual passion seems about to burst out of its seams, and then stop suddenly, look your lover deep in the eyes and say, "Wait. This moment is just about perfect. I have something that will make it complete." Then walk over to your stereo and play "Fucking Hostile," off of Pantera's

Vulgar Display of Power

. Hell yes.

1. Papa Roach, Infest

Writing this whole list has made me never want to have sex again. You might make it through the first track, with some heavy concentration and maybe thinking about a beloved family pet, but as soon as "Last Resort"'s horrific whiny self-serving sheer mind-boggling awfulness kicks in, you're out. Out a window, out a door, out the attic, burrowing a hole in the floor, anything. Cut my date into pieces, now I appear in court.


BONUS: The singles edition

"Brick" by Ben Folds Five

-- Songs about abortion are 100% counteractive to foreplay.

--Vanessa Quilantan

"Kim" by Eminem -- Nothing like getting a visual of being stuffed into a dude's trunk while his tongue is in your mouth. (VQ)

"Daughters" by John Mayer -- This song coming up on your shuffle during a make out session is the equivalent to a daddy issues landmine. (VQ)

"The Whisper Song" by Ying Yang Twins -- Dude, you're rounding first base. A little presumptuous, don't you think? (VQ)

The Swell Season - Low Rising from vennlighet on Vimeo.

"Low Rising" by The Swell Season -- While it's gooey, beautiful and slow-jam romantic at times, you just don't want that song playing should the make out lead to, ahem, the next level......just in time for Glenn Hansard to -- repeatedly -- say "We gotta come up, we gotta come up". No guy needs that kind of awkward pressure. Especially if it's a first time make-out. Back to Enigma, baby. --Alan Ayo

"Mad Word" by Gary Jules (Tears for Fears cover) -- "Wow, when you said you were a cryer, I thought you meant afterwards... Not before." (VQ)

"Slush" by Bozo Dog Band

-- Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA Ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA

--Doug Davis

"Boyfriend #2" by Pleasure P -- The shady girl anthem. If she does or ever has jammed this song, she's trifling. (VQ)

"Bring Your Whole Crew" by DMX

-- The infamous necrophilia reference in the first line. Not exactly Spanish fly.


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