We all remember the Rihanna Plane, right? Where 150 journalists and contest "winners" spent a week being cattle-herded around the planet in the vague, but not immediate, proximity of Rihanna? How anarchy broke out around day four, with no access to any stories of any kind, extended stretches quarantined away from toilets and water, and an Australian streaked down the aisle of the plane?
Good times all around. Kind of a nothing bit of nothing, really, and we'd simply hold fond little memories of the hysterical Tweets. Except that now the publicists and marketing types orbiting Rihanna like moons around a frequently naked planet are making us talk about it again. To wit: A special 777 edition of Rihanna's fragrance Nude, which will run you $105 for a 3.4-ounce bottle.
There's also that promised documentary coming out, where you, the home viewer, will spend approximately 72 more minutes with Rihanna than anyone on the Rihanna Plane did. Presumably they will not use the clips of bloggers yelling "B-roll!" at cameramen.
But I digress. The fragrance. Which her fragrance publicist suggested I recommend to you, fine reader. That was before she postponed a pair of Texas shows for unspecified illness reasons that have not prevented her from social-media-ing evidence of all the good times she's having. Either way: If you want to dump a Benjamin's worth of Rihanna's special Nude Plane scent on yourself, that is a thing you can do. But here's what you'll smell like. (Thanks to Gavin Cleaver and Rachel Watts for coming up with these smells with me. A good day at the office, all around.)
1. Tarmac 2. The pure smell of hype over substance (which probably smells something like Snookie) 3. A musty copy of The Lord of the Flies 4. A urinary tract infection 5. Euros 6. Not Rihanna 7. Not food 8. Selfishness 9. Abject fear 10. The scene in The Dark Knight where the Joker burns the pile of money 11. The crotch of a well-used all-body corset 12. Weed 13. Flat Champagne 14. The ashes of Billboard charts 15. Selective germs that prevent singing but not partying 16. German meat chips 17. Drool 18. Beer can (because if you pronounce 'beer can' in a Jamaican accent it sounds like bacon, and there was clearly a misunderstanding) 19. Bullshit 20. The Minotaur guarding Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell 21. Those crappy bags some shops have for you to put wet umbrellas in 22. Publicists' tears (of happiness or sadness? You decide.) 23. The index fingers of Twitter's censorship team 24. Green screens 25. Smoke and mirrors
