All illustrations by Dave Watt
As you're certainly aware of by now, His Biebness was recently charged with drunk driving and resisting arrest. While we can certainly relate to the resisting arrest charge (why would mere mortal men attempt to arrest a god?), it's difficult to understand why someone as wealthy as Bieber would be driving around in a simple car with his own two soft, childlike hands.
This week, we explore six vehicles that Justin Bieber probably should have been busted for driving while intoxicated, instead of a stupid car like some idiot poor person.
6. A Helicopter Powered by the Stolen Souls of Children Sometimes you've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. And sometimes you've got to steal a few million children's souls in order to ascend to the status of the second-most followed person on Twitter, despite having little to no discernible talent. If Biebulator's crew was really looking out for his best interests, they would have built him a whirlybird powered by the same arcane fuel as the star himself. Then when the heat closed in, he could've simply blasted into the comfort of the skies and gotten drunk as hell with an army of evil birds.
I'll say that again, in case it was unclear: Justin Bieber literally, undeniably subsists off of the souls of children. Wouldn't it be more convenient for him if his transportation could do the same?
5. A Bicycle Constructed from the Bones of People Who Killed Themselves While Listening to Him
Bieber could have scored major points with both the eco-friendly and M.A.D.D. crowds -- and maybe smoothed over this whole fiasco -- if he would have simply been riding around on a bicycle made from the bones of people who couldn't take it anymore and gave up living as a consequence of his music. Eager to impress the "Bastard Shit Prince of Pop," his fans probably wouldn't even make him pay for the bones of the woman who lost the will to live after her granddaughter wouldn't stop listening to "Mistletoe." After he got bored of biking around on a bicycle made of the deceased, he could pay to have a golf club crafted from the infamous Russian mystic Rasputin's oversized penis, because why not? He's Justin Goddamn Bieber, you fool. He can afford it.
4. A Car That Resembles His Own Gigantic Head
OK, so maybe it's not realistic to envision Bieber tooling around on some sort of pedal-powered alternative vehicle on his way to each and every one of the Satanic Illuminati rituals that keep him in power. But at the very least, why wouldn't he be raging through town in some sort of sick dragster that looks exactly like him? He could have modified a gigantic SUV and modeled his face with a sick pair of shades for the windshield. This would also serve his mission to force everyone, everywhere, to look at his cherubic visage at all times. Would YOU try to win a drag race against a gigantic gas-powered Bieber head? No, you wouldn't. You'd be too in awe of its deified glory.
3. A Submarine Made of Weed
Before his arrest, the Great Bieberino was already experiencing plenty of unwanted media attention for his rebellious ways. Millions of hearts recently sank after a police raid revealed that Justin was palling around with possible cocaine users. Stories of his marijuana use have been swirling for years now, and he even has some SuPeR kEwL, total-badass tattoos to help prove what a Big Tuff Guy he's become. As his image as a squeaky clean pre-teen heartthrob continues to fade, he should probably be getting faded in a submarine made out of that bomb-ass, stanknasty, sticky-icky green, No Limit Soulja style. Like the True Player he is.
2. The Borg Cube
Kept in the Maturation Chamber for seventeen cycles, the human creature once called Justin Bieber emerges as Bieborus of Borg -- a powerful party android, capable of adopting newer and more sophisticated cute haircuts at a rate of speed unfathomable by flesh-and-blood man. He will add our biological and technological distinctiveness to his own. Any attempts to fire modulated phasers at Bieborus will result in increasingly powerful autotune shields.
Our culture will adapt to service him. We will be assimilated.
1. A Unicycle
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Because he is a fucking clown. Get it?
Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula.