10. John Mayer
If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour-lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists' offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of God, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King, who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20: Did he just come in his pants?
9. Yngwie Malmsteen
This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the '80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.
If you've ever come home drunk at 2 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black, and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axeman in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar, who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.