Commentary

The Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time

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4. Joe Satriani
If he didn't come off as so quiet and low key, the godfather of cheeseball '80s guitar lines might even deserve an even higher place on this list as the founder of the wankfest that is the G3 tour. Have you ever seen the world's most accomplished guitarists get onstage and ejaculate riffs on each other for hours on end? That's basically what this is. Aside from his history as a guitar teacher who instructed some of the most over-indulgent headbangers in the world (Kirk Hammett, Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai and more) Satriani is probably one of the few people on this list who can say he had a douchey song that had an indirect influence on douchey, award-winning music decades later courtesy of Coldplay. You may remember the copyright infringement suit Satriani filed against the band in 2008 over the song "Viva La Vida," which won "Song of the Year" at the 2009 Grammy Awards.Turns out the central riff in that song sounds a lot like his exponentially cornier 2004 track "If I Could Fly." Both parties settled out of court. One final note: Anyone who listens to his music in the car will automatically feel like they're in the movie Top Gun.

3. Michael Angelo Batio
In the pantheon of double guitar-playing riffmeisters, none are equally as spellbinding and laughable as Michael Angelo Batio. So much so, that winning the Guitar World reader's choice poll for the "Fastest Guitarist of All Time" in 2011 almost feels like an insult. Who else could they possibly have picked to even compete against MAB's lightning fretwork in the first place? There is no competition. Sometimes riffing on as many as four guitar necks at a time, Batio basically made an entire career on being a selfish prick who didn't want a rhythm guitarist stealing his spotlight. The next time you want to laugh hysterically, check out the guitarist's series of instructional DVDs called Speed Kills, which also doubles as a manual on how to look like you just stepped off the Sunset Strip in 1984. Oh and when you watch him double teaming two shafts, er, necks on his guitar in this clip, try not to let your head explode.




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