2010 State Fair of Texas: My Top 10 Observations

10. After a Sunday of very unscientific research in the splendid sunshine at the fair, I have come to this conclusion: People are fat.

9. After ingesting -- yes, in this order -- a Fletcher's jalapeno corny dog, beer, root beer, chocolate-covered strawberries, Sierra Mist, curly fries, beer, Belgian Waffle, Red Bull, fried bacon, beer and ice cream, I'm one of them. (And to think, the line for fried Frito pie was too long.)

8. "Excuse me" is a lost art. Can't tell you how many times I was bumped into along the Midway without nary an apologetic word. My sunglasses also got violently bumped (and broken), but I can blame that on the Windstorm roller coaster.

7. Speaking of congestion and crowd control, I know kids are fun and all. But the fair would be a better place without having to navigate around the hundreds of strollers.

6. The pig races are funny. One of the contestants who really seemed to ham it up was named Amy Swinehouse. I did not make that up.

5. Thumbs up to the Fair folks for trash cans. Seriously. They are everywhere and most of the time they are not overflowing. This is a convenience we should not overlook.

4. Almost had my Achilles' tendon severed. I'm sitting at a bench enjoying curly fries with my back to the Cotton Bowl. Some grungy teen-aged punk decided it'd be kewl to try skateboard tricks down the concrete steps. One time he flies off and the board gets launched along the ground and smacks me right in my left heel. Luckily I was wearing strong, Fair-appropriate shoes because the board caromed off me about 10 feet. Had I been wearing sandals I might be on crutches today. (To his credit, the punk did apologize.)

3. The views from the Texas Star ferris wheel make me feel great about living in Dallas. The fact that I get metal-detector wanded at the entrance but can then purchase Ginsu knives inside makes me feel nervous.

2. I worship at the feet of the 52-foot tall mannequin known as Big Tex. No fair is complete without eating a corny dog while he says"Howdy, folks." But look at his face closely next time. I'm telling ya, he's creepy. Think it's the viciously arched eyebrows.

1. I've still never figured out how to take the fishing pole with the hoop at the end of the line and tilt the beer bottle upright. My lifetime record at that Midway game is like 0 for 37. If I died tomorrow it'd be one of my main regrets. That and the fact that I never stumbled across the fried beer booth. Anyone?

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