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4 Driving Tips For Surviving Dallas

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2. Assume Pedestrians Are Idiots

Look, I fully acknowledge there need to be more pedestrians, and that criticizing them is not the best way to encourage them. However, no one in Dallas has had any practice at being a pedestrian, and as such you are the most wild-eyed, crazy bunch of roadside goofs I have ever had the misfortune to meet. If it was even vaguely normal to walk around here, then pedestrians might have the necessary skills to not be a danger. Alas, here we are. When I first moved here, I found it curious that cars would slow down and look at me funny when I was on the sidewalk. Now I do the exact same thing.

It's because y'all are simply terrible pedestrians. My tips to drivers encountering actual people not in a car are these.

-- Always assume that a pedestrian is going to make the most bone-headed move possible. Is there a crosswalk? They'll probably run across the street, arms flailing, 10 feet from said crosswalk. Why go out of your way when you can cross right now?

-- If you can't see around a corner, assume a person is standing there, because they probably are. If they can't see you, they assume they're safe, despite the fact they're standing in the middle of an actual road. Where the cars go.

--Don't honk your horn or try to shout at women walking by themselves. Just don't. It's never worked for anyone. They may not be able to afford a car, but they're still better than you, because you considered doing this.

--In parking lots, it is very, very annoying when pedestrians walk diagonally across a road, seemingly unaware of their surroundings and almost certainly looking at their phone. Simply drive to within a foot of them, and follow them while matching their speed. They'll soon get the message, unless there's some Jay Z/Beyoncé/Solange news on their phone, in which case you're here for the duration.

Gavin Cleaver



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