From the Home Office in Dallas, Texas

Allow Myself to Introduce ... Myself

Dart boards rejoice.

Been meaning to get around to this and, with Wimbledon in a rain delay, seems like a good time. (Sports prologue: The Rangers stole another win in New York and the Mavs will sign Gerald Green. There.)

Couple of you have emailed asking for some personal background. Okay, it was more along the lines of "Who the eff do you think you are?" or "Tell me where you live!", but, whatever, I appreciate the attention.

So, in lieu of a formal bio, how 'bout I provide a goofy pic and one of those aren't-we-all-just-a-little-too-bored Internet questionnaires? No?

Too late.

1. How tall are you barefoot? 5-foot-8.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Always thought you injected it. Either way, no.

3. Do you own a gun? Yes. But it only shoots water.

4. Rehab? Not yet.

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"? I am "the parents".

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think they should be outlawed everywhere except sporting events.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Instrumental version of "Sleigh Ride". Didn't see that one coming, didja?

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Orange juice. Sometimes accessorized by champagne.

9. Do you do push-ups? Actually, yes. Weird, huh?

10. Have you ever done ecstacy? Yes. No. Wait, have I? From what I can remember, yes.

11. Are you vegan? No, but one of my friends is Venezuelan.

12. Do you like painkillers? Rarely.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex potential lovers? First off, what a well-constructed sentence. Who's penning this, Schutze? Anyway, I try to set the mood by making sure the kitchen is clean when my wife gets home.

14. Do you own a knife? Several. Most plastic.

15. Do you have A.D.D.? Hey look, John McEnroe!

16. Date Of Birth? I'll be 44 in six days. Do the math.

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment: *Blogging is overrated. *My sunburn hurts. *Wonder if anyone will actually read this far?

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: *Gas *Can of tennis balls *Sugar-coated, apple-flavored, chewy candy rings

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink: Water Gatorade Milk Orange Juice Captain Morgan

20. What time did you wake up today? 7-friggin'-45

21. Current hair? What?

22. Current worry? Still a little concerned about that last question.

23. Current hate? Jarrod Saltalamacchia's batting routine. Slower than refrigerated honey.

24. Favorite place to be? In the hot tub or on the tennis court.

25. Least favorite place to be? Traffic. Or Jail? Traffic.

26. Where would you like to go? Australian Open.

27. Do you own slippers? I don't technically "own" them, but I have a couple of favorite who love when I tip them between their ... Oh, slippers! Um, do Crocs count?

28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Hopefully in Wilonsky's office. With Wilonsky's power.

29. Do you burn or tan? Burn. Tan. Peel. Repeat.

30. Last thing you ate? Banana.

31. Would you be a pirate? When am I not a pirate?

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? Sunday afternoon on Lake Austin.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Once I did a gravely-voiced humming of the Stone Temple Pilots' "Plush". That count?

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? There was a pirate in my closet. Hey, wait. A pirate? Now I love Captain Morgan and Johnny Depp and swashbuckling. Hmm. Creepy. Can you say "full circle"?

35. What's in your pockets right now? Lint.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Family Guy, the one where Peter and his buddies got shipwrecked and he ate the paralyzed dude's feet for food. I don't think I could do that.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? NFL.

38. Worst injury you've ever had? I broke my ankle and my fibula (look it up), but one time I got one of those bumps on the tip of my tongue. Dang! I could hardly speak intelligible English.

39. Schutze somehow skipped this one.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 5. Wha-what!

41. Who is your loudest friend? Johnny Warren Hodge.

42. Who is your most silent friend? Morgan Leaf Gaskill.

43. Does someone have a crush on you? Yes! No, crap. I think it faded.

44. And this one.

45. What is your favorite book? I love to write. I hate to read. But a few years back I enjoyed "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum. The way I remember it I read it in kindergarten and was like "Okay, done."

46. What is your favorite candy? Getting bored.

47. What songs do/did you want played at your wedding? Shaggy. Duh.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night? Watching the "Ganja Queen" documentary on HBO. Two thumbs up. Pretty creepy show, in that who in the hell names their daughter "Schapelle."

50. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? Mine didn't hurt that much. -- Richie Whitt

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Richie Whitt
Contact: Richie Whitt