America's Got Desperation

Jeryr Springer's the new host of America's Got Talent. How many oxymorons are in that sentence, anyway?

Remember the last time you ran into Jerry Springer? Uncle Eb was wearing his designer KKK hood because you'd impregnated your Nepalese dwarf girlfriend for the sixth time and the family was sick and tired of spending money on grain to feed your offspring as well as their newly profitable alpaca herd? No? You blocked that out? Well, wouldn't you know it, Jerry's coming to town again soon, so you'll have a chance to get reacquainted with the talk show host-cum-Dancing with the Stars dancer (too generous a term?). He'll be on hand for Dallas' March 31 auditions for America's Got Talent.

The show, which I've never seen, probably involves some people exhibiting both questionable and real talent for the horror/amusement of the teeming television viewing masses. The fact that Simon Cowell and Jerry Springer are both involved is, well, icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. I can't believe I haven't tuned in to watch my fellow Americans exploit themselves before now.

Since Dallas has had such an atrocious showing on TV talent competitions in the past (whatcha up to these days, Zayra?), I expect you people to come out in full force for the auditions at that Hilton by the Galleria. Got no talent? That's cool. You can say what's up to Jerry, anyway. And give him that banana loaf your grandma's had waiting for him ever since y'all were on his show back in '04. --Andrea Grimes

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Robert Wilonsky
Contact: Robert Wilonsky