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And Now for a Whole Different Kind of American Gladiator Tryout

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Forget Vegas. If you need fast cash and are jonesing for a vacation, look no further than your nearest Army recruiting location. In late July the U.S. Army instituted the new “Quick-Ship” enlistment bonus for recruits who report for training before September 30th. You'd best hurry -- only 10 days left!

Not only will you pocket $20,000, within days you’ll be at basic, sweating off all that weight you’ve been bitching about all summer long. Think sculpted arms and washboard abs, the perfect body for the sexy swimsuit you’ve been hiding in the closet while you pine for the perfect vacation opportunity. Here’s your chance. Get lucky, and you might even get to wear it in Iraq, where the weather's hot, hot, hot.

And, sure, there are still bodies turning up in the streets, Iranians smuggling roadside bombs into the country and that nasty business about Blackwater security killing a couple dozen civilians and then lying about it. Look at the silver lining, though: Violence is reportedly at its lowest since 2006! Besides, the media only writes about the bad stuff, right? So join up, get your 20 large and look forward to sipping umbrella drinks out of your standard-issue canteent. According to the local recruiting battalion, 550 recruits have already signed up. --Megan Feldman

Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.

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Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.