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Hello, her name is Natasha, and she loves you.

Are You America's Next Top Model? Da.

Hi, it's me, your friendly TiVo shark, fresh from the waters of the Season Eight premiere of America's Next Top Model. I was surprised to see a healthy Texas showing for the initial 20. Deer Park and Houston (also a final 13 pick) were all up in there, as was Big D. Yup, the honey-locked Natasha showed up in Tyra-town straight from "Dallas-Richardson" (as she said with a lovely Russian accent). Turns out, Natasha hasn't been here for so long.

During Wednesday night's episode, the 21-year-old college student didn't deny inquiries of her being a mail-order bride when she explained to fellow contestants that she married, at 18, an American man of "about 40." Didn't help that she went on to say at the time "he brought [her] here" she knew approximately two English phrases: "I love you" (naturally) and "Hello, my name is Natasha." Methinks "I do" followed shortly after.

At one point in the show Natasha went off on another contestant (mommy Renee, I believe) about how true ladies do not fart or burp, etc., and that she's a "normal" person who would never do those things. Now, I'm not sure what "normal" top models do, but perhaps if ol' Tex-ssian Natasha wins the Top Model prize this year (she's made it through the elimination down to 13 and the first official single-contestant elimination), she could add on to fascinating achievements in the well-televised world of top modelry. Perhaps the list (already including gems such as assaulting employees, snorting various substances, randomly blowing up on-screen and defending weight gain) could be augmented with "marrying creepy Russian bride-browsing craddle-robber for Green Card."

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But, whatever. Go forth, young, beautiful and bizarrely irritating Natasha! Live that American dream and, with your broken English, "be Dallas representing!"

At any rate, we're just happy to see two "plus-size" (read: average body type) models in the Top Model final 13 as well as photographer Nigel Barker...just in general. --Merritt Martin

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