Blah, Blah, Blah -- Some Slippery Slope Blather About Marijuana Legalization

This is just between us libtards, OK? The rest of you, if you don't mind, could we have the room for a minute? You might want to step outside, check on your Tea Party stuff, see if any immigrant babies are making dirty bombs in your vicinity, something like that. We'll be just be a minute. Great. See you back here in a sec, thanks.

Hey, WTF, libtards? You want state law to trump federal law so you can smoke pot? Do you have no memory cells left at all in your brains? What are you basing this theory of government on, the CheechandChongstituion?

You do remember we fought a civil war over this crap, right? You do remember where the whole "states rights" thing goes if you let it go? What are you planning to say when Rick Perry uses you as an excuse to send the Texas National Guard into Mexico? OOPS?

Damn! I thought we were supposed to be the smart wing. There's a story in The New York Times today quoting UT political science professor Bruce Buchanan about the shitty position liberals are putting the president in over the new state pot laws in Colorado and Washington: "It's a sticky wicket for Obama," Buchanan tells the Times, saying that an attempt by Obama to defend and enforce federal anti-pot laws would be seen as "a slap in the face to his base right after they've just handed him a chance to realize his presidential dreams."

No, wait a minute, I'm part of his base. I didn't vote for him to save pot. I voted for him to save the country from a sedition by right-wing nutball racist billionaires. I never thought about pot in the voting booth.

My fellow libtards, please let me ask you something. Are you really and truly unable to buy any pot under existing circumstances? Can you just not get enough of the shit?

Are you utterly unable to wait a just little bit and put up with current pot-buying conditions until we get past the fiscal cliff and the existential threat to the continued existence of the nation as we know it? Do you not have any notion at all of the company you are putting yourselves in when you argue that state capitals should be able to trump D.C.?

We need to get on a bus together and go down and take a little tour of the Texas capital in Austin. All those big-belly bad-beard guys in tricorn hats with Don't-Tread-On-Me flags you saw on TV during the campaign? Guess what? They won. That's who runs the Legislature now. Obama did not win Texas. The Tea Party won Texas. We live in Texas! Holy shit! Every little chance you get, try to take a smart pill or something, will you?

Let's see. If state law is allowed to trump federal? That might take us how far, here in the Lone Star? How about mandatory blood tests for drivers to see if they're white enough, otherwise they get sent back to one of the colored continents. Yeah. Or maybe we could legalize legitimate rape. Abolish all taxes for rich people. Let Harold Simmons store nuclear waste in public schools but keep the schools open.

Once you establish the principle that federal law isn't shit, then the sky's really the limit, isn't it? Tell me: Are you confident that everybody is done and their minds are all settled and we don't have to deal with the slavery thing again? I'm not quite there yet.

I'm just sayin', libtards, you know I love you, but I just don't think this is the right moment or the right test of the president's basic authority. If we really want to get rid of federal pot laws, then we need to go to Washington to do it, not Austin.

I'm done. Was I nagging? Did I bring you all down and everything? Sorry. But, uh, anyway, is it maybe a little early in the day to be ... how shall we put it ... quite so up? OK. Food for thought, that's all. Let me step out in the hall now.

Hey you right-wing ding-a-lings, c'mon back in here. You didn't miss a thing. We were just talking about the role of preschool enrichment in combating attention deficit disorder among the disadvantaged. Yeah, no, you wouldn't even get it, so forget it. We've got you back in the room now, so we can all get back to abnormal.

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Jim Schutze has been the city columnist for the Dallas Observer since 1998. He has been a recipient of the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies’ national award for best commentary and Lincoln University’s national Unity Award for writing on civil rights and racial issues. In 2011 he was admitted to the Texas Institute of Letters.
Contact: Jim Schutze