Jive Turkey

Jive Turkey
This wasn't an easy decision, deciding who should serve as Full Frontal's inaugural Jive Turkey. Honest. There were plenty of heated debates (OK, one half-assed discussion interspersed with a much livelier dispute on where to go for lunch) and about a dozen or so candidates nominated. But while the names we came up with--among them: Mayor Laura Miller, City Manager Ted Benavides, Dallas Morning News columnists Steve Blow and Tim Cowlishaw, Dallas Cowboy running back Troy Hambrick--all seemed to fill the bill, none of them felt completely right.

It was kind of like standing on the roof of a building downtown with snowball in hand, deciding which car to sneak-attack, à la the Patrick Swayze-led Wolverines in Red Dawn. (Not that we've ever done this.) You could go with the MINI Cooper sporting the Union Jack on the roof, sure, or maybe the guy on the motorcycle who is just clearly asking for it because he isn't wearing a helmet. But until that brand-new yellow H2 comes rolling along, swerving into oncoming traffic because the owner's on his cell, that snowball is going to continue numbing your palm.

And so, of course, this year's Jive Turkey is--and, really, had to be--former police Chief Terrell Bolton. Blame it on the fake-drugs scandal. Or the way he cried like a little girl with a skinned knee when he got the ax. Or because for the first time in a decade we've lost interest in Gary Coleman-related humor. It doesn't matter. All that matters is we finally found something TB is good at: sucking. Gobble, gobble.

Myths Disproven
Dale Hansen understands why you laughed. He did, too. Oh, sure, he wasn't thrilled that a report after the Dallas Cowboys' loss to the New England Patriots contained some unexpected images. But the WFAA-TV Channel 8 sports director knows a good dick joke when he sees one.

"I'm sure management doesn't see the humor in it that I do," Hansen says. "It" is the swinging black penis that accidentally showed up in the background (behind Quincy Carter's head, above) of a Channel 8 report that ran several other times on the cable news network TXCN. And Hansen knows that a big swingin' one in the background (although, to be honest, the video does make white men everywhere feel better about their penis size) makes for hilarious video--especially since he and everyone in Dallas has seen it multiple times, thanks to the Internet.

"I'm still at a loss to explain how it happened," Hansen says, noting that he, the photographer, the editor, the director and all the anchors watching it didn't notice the man meat upon first viewing. "No one knew anything about it until it got on the Internet. Then when my producer called to tell me about it, told me there was a damn dick in the background, I went, 'Oh, well, maybe we should have slow-mo'ed it.' And he paused and said, 'Hell, we did slow-mo it, Dale.'"

Hansen says he hoped it was something way in the background, barely peeking through. Then he saw the replay, saw the unidentified lump o' love slowly swing by Carter's despondent head and realized, "Oh, Lord, it looks like an earring hanging off Quincy's ear!"

To answer everyone's questions, then: No, no one lost his or her job over this. No, Hansen didn't know about it. ("Some people thought I was grinning as I announced the piece because I had something to do with it. That's ridiculous. This isn't The Ticket. This is Channel 8. I wouldn't do that.") And, no, even though he can laugh about it, he isn't proud of it.

"I don't want to be known as 'The Dick Sports Guy,'" he says, understanding that the obvious joke is, "Too late."

Meanwhile, if you haven't seen the offending, unbelievably awesome clip, you can find links to it under the video section of www.russmartin.com, along with an entertaining e-mail from a Belo suit who doesn't share Hansen's, or Full Frontal's, sense of humor. Not that he's a dick or anything. --Eric Celeste

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