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New Conspiracy Theory: JFK Was Not Shot in Dallas

Hey, that's not us doin' the speculatin'. That's Dr. Horace Musashi, author of the new book Outside the Crosshairs, who says that John Kennedy wasn't shot by Lee Harvey Oswald or anyone else during the president's trip to Dallas on November 22, 1963. Nope. Turns out:

After 11 years of painstaking research, Musashi uncovered testimony from anonymous eyewitnesses who claimed that unopened packets of duck sauce and soy sauce were hastily removed from Air Force One after the assassination. According to the book's findings, the extremely high levels of monosodium glutamate combined with the stress of mediating an intense international ballistic-missile crisis caused Kennedy's systolic pressure to mount to the point where the right rear quarter of his cranium "shot clean off."

Oh, yeah -- this is probably a good time to mention that this comes from The Onion, which also points out that "there are a lot of unanswered questions about the sudden uptick in Brazil-nut imports to Dallas in the year before Kennedy's death." Slow fake-news day much? --Robert Wilonsky

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