Root, Root, Root for the Other Team

Observations from a Texas Rangers game:

The hot dogs out at the Ameriquest Ballpark at Arlington Stadium suck this year, at least those being sold by the guys in the stands. That is, when you can find one: When we went to a game during opening week, just a single hot-dog vendor came to our seats in three hours; used to be, we got hounded almost once an inning. Stick only to the Hebrew National dogs sold out in the concourse. Goyim love 'em!

Also, the other food products being sold at the ballpark stink too, and it takes forever to get your warmed-over chicken fingers. Longtime season-ticket holders compained several times during a game last week about the slow service and shoddy edibles. "Tom Hicks raised the ticket prices again, and then he cuts back on everything else," said one woman who's been coming to games ever since Shoeless Joe had shoes. "He oughta be ashamed."

The Ameriquest Ballpark at Arlington Stadium has never looked better, at least when the Rangers aren't on the field. A few years ago it started to show its wear; even the field was beginning to brown and fray in places, and during some summer nights it smelled like the food now tastes. Not anymore. But wait till June, when you have the place all to yourself.

And, finally, this might be the worst Rangers team ever assembled. Two wins thus far. I say, oh, 43 more the rest of the season. Feeling generous. This team plays like the hot dogs taste and the ballpark used to smell. Have a swell summer. --Robert Wilonsky

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