So You Think We're Going To Drop the Ted Cruz Birther Issue? Just Like That?

Oh, no, no, no, Madame Dallas Morning News. You don't giveth and then taketh away from us just like that. We were absolutely thrilled by your piece Sunday in which you published a big fat picture of U.S. Senator Ted "Take this government and shove it" Cruz's foreign birth certificate. So now today you've got a weasely-waffly editorial in which you tell us not to turn this into a big "birther" deal.

"This is such a nonissue," you tell us today, "regardless of whether the candidate is Republican or Democrat."

So you show us his foreign birth certificate, and then a couple days later you tell us to forget about it? Yeah, right. That horse done got out the barn already, Dear.

After the crap we have put up with for five years from Cruz's own Tea Party over President Obama's birth certificate? You think you're going to give us a big old Canadian birth certificate printed with green ink and then tell us to drop it?

Dream on.

Hey. What kind of country prints its birth certificates in green ink, anyway? We can tell you what kind -- a hippie country. In fact, Canada is a hippie country where children are forced to attend madrassa-like anti-colonial hippie schools that brainwash them into fanatical vegetarianist anti-American belief systems before the age of 4, which was how old Cruz was when his Castroite father moved him to Houston and installed him there as a Canadian terror baby.

Canadian terror? Absolutely. Don't be naive. Canadian terror is insidious precisely because it is so difficult to spot at first. They don't go for the big showy stuff that you can see on the news. With the Canadians, it's all very sneaky and subtle.

Example: Next time you hear Cruz speak, listen very closely to his pronunciation of final syllables ending in o-r, as in the words, labor, harbor or ardor. Hear something a little bit funny going on there? Well, sure you do, and you know why? It's because he's pronouncing them the way he was brainwashed into pronouncing them in his Canadian anti-colonialist veggie-drassa preschool as a child: labour, harbour, ardour. With a silent u.

Why the silent u? Is it just some innocent mistake the Canadians make because somebody forgot to tell them they're not British anymore? If you believe that, I've got some Canadian swampland I'd like to sell you.

A 2009 research paper called "The Impact of Anti-American Sentiment on Canadian English," by Alison Borden, Alexandra Erath and Julie Yang, part of the Strathy Undergraduate Working Papers on Canadian English, Vol. 7, published at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario, documents the use of the silent-u spelling in Canadian newspapers during the Vietnam War and shows conclusively that Canadians still use the silent u and other little left-handed Canadian verbal tricks as a deliberate means of thumbing their noses at the U.S. of A.

They conclude: "... is it possible that in today's society, at another time when anti-Americanism runs high, due to the war in Iraq, Canadian English is again seeing a shift towards Briticisms? Our findings suggest that this is a possibility worth examining.

"As well, our research invites the broader question of the extent to which anti-American sentiment amongst Canadians during the Vietnam War affected not only Canadian English but Canadian culture as a whole."

Can they make it any more plain that that? This is the point the Tea Party people would love us to miss: Cruz, whose father fought beside communist dictator Fidel Castro, spent his earliest formative years in the smothering embrace of a rabidly anti-American anti-colonialist culture. What makes that culture all the more embittering for us in this country is that the Canadians were just fine with belonging to the British colonial empire. But when we came along and offered to free them by letting them become one of our colonies instead, they cried rape.

Don't believe me? Well, maybe you had better take the time to read a particularly insidious little ditty, a research paper that was until recently a closely guarded secret text among fanatical Canadian anti-yankers, published as part of a two-language-titled underground resistance project called, "Studies in Canadian Literature / Études en littérature canadienne."

Études, indeed. We don't put little things like that on top of our E's in this country, Senator Cruz.

The paper in question has the typically flamboyant provocative Canadian-style title, "Morley Callaghan and the New Colonialism: The Supreme Individual in Traditionless Society," by Robin Mathews.

"Traditionless." That would be us.

The author freely admits that "... many of the immigrants (to Canada) came from or willingly gave loyalty to Britain." But then he says, "Colonial status within the U.S. Empire cannot be seen as evolutionary or progressive. ... Canadians have moved to a growing consciousness of impotence and subservience in political, economic, and increasingly in cultural terms as the U.S.A. has become a visible imperial power manipulating Canadian life."

His conclusion? "Canadians must, moreover, relate their condition to the historic fear of U.S. expansionism."

And there you have it. By the way, next time you have a spare minute to spend defending the nation of your birth, you might want to take a peek at the menu at "La Canada Pre-School." It includes what the Canadians call "mini-meals" (wouldn't want those kids to grow up too big and strong like the Yanks) such as pasta and applesauce and cheese and crackers and applesauce. The closest the poor little things ever get to honest meat is chicken nuggets and pears. There's not a hamburger within 100 kilometers of them. But, oh, man, they do get them some applesauce!

So in Ted Cruz we have a silent-u pronouncing applesauce-fed product of a fanatically anti-U.S.-colonialist culture whose birth certificate was printed in Canada, a country that speaks French half the time, in green ink. And he's going to be president of the United States? And The Dallas Morning News, which started all of this by printing his flowery little green birth certificate, thinks we're going to be OK with that?

We are just getting started, Dear. Believe me. He's not getting oot of it that easy.

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Jim Schutze has been the city columnist for the Dallas Observer since 1998. He has been a recipient of the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies’ national award for best commentary and Lincoln University’s national Unity Award for writing on civil rights and racial issues. In 2011 he was admitted to the Texas Institute of Letters.
Contact: Jim Schutze

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