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The Big Uneasy: Super Bowl Fans Just Wanna Have Fun ... What, You Mean, Like, Here?

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The Dallas Morning News had another story in the paper yesterday reminding everybody how excited we need to be about Super Bowl XLV in Arlington a month from now. The more of this Super Bowl stuff I see, the less excited and the more pissed off I get.

The story in The News listed various stupid boring events planned to help push up our Super Bowl fever -- an art show of football photographs, an iPhone Super Bowl trivia app, and, of course, a zillion Super Bowl-themed running events.

Meanwhile, the city of Arlington apparently has launched an anti-prostitution police sting campaign and a program to put police booking photos of johns up on billboards along the freeway leading to the Super Bowl. What a wake-up that would be on game day -- enough to make The Hangover look like a Sunday School picnic.

Also meanwhile, a group of high school students is working with a celebrity chef to develop a Super Bowl chip dip prepared entirely of mashed-up healthy vegetables.

That just makes me want to die.

What are we thinking? We think football fans are going to come to Dallas so they can become more aerobically fit, well-informed art connoisseurs who eat vegetable dip? Tell you what. While we're at it, why don't we deputize a committee of grandmoms to meet all the football fans at the airport and invite them to a taffy pull? Or a Super Bowl spelling bee? A Super Bowl Suzuki violin recital? Oh, yeah: How about a big Super Bowl tent revival?

You know what I'd be thinking if I were headed here from some other part of the country for the Super Bowl and I read about all this stuff? Oh ... my ... gaawd. Put the tickets on eBay, Babe. We're gonna stay home and watch it from the safety of our own La-Z-Boys. At least that way nobody can put our mug shots up on the freeway.

I mean, how can we not get it? When they show up for the Super Bowl, people will be coming here to take part in an activity known in other parts of the country as fun. Fun. Not run. Adult fun.

Let's put the prostitution issue off to one side. Maybe Arlington has a right not to want to be overrun by five million hookers. I'll spot them that. I think we should try to put all the hookers up in hotels in and around the Park Cities anyway, closer to their base. Aside from the hooker question, you know what football fans really need around here? They need a good way to get shit-faced drunk without getting busted for it and sent to jail. And probably in a good many cases they would like to do that at a place with some naked ladies.

They need a wink-wink nod-nod place, a Latin Quarter, a place where they can be naughty. They don't need an iPhone app. What would make them happy is a guaranteed no-bust-'em free bus ride back and forth from the hotel to the naked ladies club. Maybe with a police motorcycle escort to make them feel important.

What about the lady fans, you ask? Oh, by all means, we need to get them out there to the naked ladies club too, so they too can get shit-faced. We can't discriminate based on gender.

Here's my question. Does Dallas always have to play the role of the most out-of-it parents in the world turning high school into a living hell for their own kids?

You know, here's another thought. Dallas could also find ways to just butt the hell out. People coming to a Super Bowl game already know how to have fun. Every little chance we get, we could try to find ways not to ticket them, not to arrest them, not to put their mug shots up on the freeway, and just generally stay out of their way so they can be naughty, naughty, naughty!

And, of course, we must all promise not to watch.

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