The Girl Can't Help It

If Andrea Grimes really looked like this, maybe she and Jen Nikoloff could hang out and be BFF.

Seems future Playboy model and current SMU sophomore Jen Nikoloff has friends. Seems they read our fair blog here and have a problem with my analysis of J.Nik's Web presence. In particular, "Kate" asks, "Have you seen your myspace profile? It doesn't look too classy to me."

Let's have a look at it, shall we?

That main photo. Self-indulgent, much? But it's got a couple of key factors that I think we need to talk about. First, a hint of cleavage. It's not slutty, because sluts show their whole boobs, right? And that ethereal glow? A Photoshop filter called "diffuse glow," no doubt, that really only highlights a forehead you could park an 18-wheeler on. But I think the real winner is behind the "more photos" link, and it involves Andrea, a pork chop and probably several shots of whiskey.

Then, her headline. "Motorboatin'"?? Way to quote the funniest move of 2000-never. Smart move.

The girl promotes her own birthday party concert in the "About Me" section, showing a remarkable degree of self-importance while at the same time giving any potential stalkers (she wishes!) her precise location should anyone be up for a little friendly homicide that evening. And pictures of her cat? Puh-lease. She ought to be ashamed of raising such a cow. The fact that she's created a MySpace profile just for him, well, that screams "destined to be a crazy old cat lady" like nothing else can. This section also contains the second of two relatively lame fashion references: "Manolos." There are probably starving kids in Africa who know and want Manolos, thanks to the widespread syndication of Sex and the City. The reference is hardly surprising--or innovative--and, coupled with your blatant placement of the Le Tigre logo in your main photo, just makes you look like a brand-obsessed tart.

Following that, in a grandiose display of Interweb nerd snobbery, she actually asks people not to friend her (coughcoughdouchebagcoughcough) and extends the douchebaggery by naming favorite authors like Ayn Rand, Hunter Thompson and, um, "anthropology textbooks." Like anyone actually reads anthropology textbooks. Give it up and show everyone your Danielle Steel collection, Grimes. You're not fooling anyone.

Same goes for that music sampling. Sure, the Junior Boys song on your profile is cool, but are we really supposed to take that seriously when you admit to liking Tom Jones and My Chemical Romance? Kid, you need to go to indie rock school and fast.

But the most laughable part of all? She lists her profession as "journalist." I guess bullshit scams involving wearing grills and crashing high school parties is what passes for journalism these days.

Burrrrrrrrrrrrn! --Andrea Grimes

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Robert Wilonsky
Contact: Robert Wilonsky

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