There's a Wolf at Rick Perry's Door

Wolf Blitzer of CNN takes on the Republican candidates tonight for the second foreign policy debate. This is the do-or-die moment for our homeboy: Either Rick Perry repairs his fortunes and escapes the back-bench or he's toast.

Perry's people know that, so our governor is going to be all-in tonight, super-rehearsed, drilled, ready for bear. We can sort of guess what the big questions will be -- defense spending, Iran, Egypt, Syria -- and I maintain we can also predict with some accuracy what Perry's responses will be.

Here are some hypothetical but likely Blitzer questions and some lock-cinch certain Perry responses. You watch. I'm not just trying to be stupid. I made this stuff up, but Rick Perry is definitely going to say a lot of it tonight. See if I'm not right.

Perry: Well, let me tell you something, Wolf. I believe in giving our troops what they need to win over there. And I will not cut one penny from our budget for the money that we use to pay for our army and to buy guns and uniforms and all the things like that that they need to win. I won't cut a dime until we win."

Blitzer: Two follow-up questions, then, Governor. When you say, "Over there," where do you mean? And when you say, "Win," what do you mean?

Perry: I mean all of it over there. Everywhere that's over there. And winnin', well, in Texas on a football Friday night we never have trouble tellin' who won. It's the ones with the higher score. Winnin', that's just what this country is. Winners. We're up against a bunch of losers. We need to win!

Blitzer: Governor Perry, recent unrest in Egypt is challenging the legitimacy there of the military regime. Pressure is being brought to bear for free elections sooner, rather than later. Would you support a more speedy schedule for free elections in Egypt and would you support allowing the Muslim Brotherhood to take part?

Perry: Well, let me tell you something about that, Wolf. We finally just killed their leader, and it took a heck of a long time and a lot of trouble to do it. When I'm the president and we have some guy over there like Osama Hussein Blah-blah-blah, we're going to get the job done. And I mean now. It is absolutely a disgrace to this fine nation that the guy in the White House now didn't want to go over there and get that job done until it was just so obvious where the guy over there was that the guy over here just couldn't find a way out of going over there. And we all know why. Those guys were cousins or some stuff like that. As for Egypt, unfortunately some of these people in the Egyptian nation who have been doing up rising and making trouble here lately, they're just what you just said they were, Wolf, a bunch of brothers. And you're right too that they're also a bunch of Moslems. These people are not even Christian. They don't even try. I don't think the president of the United States should never stand by and just be all quiet and wishy-washy-like while a bunch of Moslem brothers try to say the military is not legitimate, because, let me tell you something, Wolf. You come down to Texas and say that about our military down there, and I promise you one thing. You are going to be talking out of your other end of your parts of your body parts.

Blitzer: Governor Perry, should the U.S. intervene in Syria?

Perry: Absolutely not. Sy-ri-a? Are you ser-i-ous? Huh? Sy-ri-a? Are you ser-i-ous? Huh? Sy-ri-a?

Blitzer: Sir...

Perry: Wolf, we've got plenty of work to do right here at home. Why in the world should we send a bunch of our American soldiers over there to the Syrian nation with brand-new guns and uniforms and all that stuff that we paid for and get them shot at and possibly wounded because the people in the Syrian nation can't take care of bidness? That's just plain crazy. I'll tell you what, Wolf, a lot of these troops that they would send over there are from Texas, from Fort Hood and stuff like that, and we need them to stay put right where they are, both to help protect us from the Mexican anchor babies and just to help keep our Texas economic miracle going strong. I'm pretty suspicious of this guy in the White House always wanting to send our men and women over there to countries where everybody's got a name like his and nobody's got a name like mine. When I'm the president, there's going to be a stop put to some of that. It's going to be guys with American names like Rick Perry that we care about and not some Ossama Salami Ding-Dong or some guy like 'at.

Blitzer: Governor, your time is up.

Perry: I still have a joke about my brain freeze.

Blitzer: It'll have to wait, sir.

Perry: It's a good-er.

Blitzer: Do it later.

Perry: Yes, sir.

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Jim Schutze has been the city columnist for the Dallas Observer since 1998. He has been a recipient of the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies’ national award for best commentary and Lincoln University’s national Unity Award for writing on civil rights and racial issues. In 2011 he was admitted to the Texas Institute of Letters.
Contact: Jim Schutze