Welcome to Full Frontal, Bitch

Welcome to Full Frontal, Bitch
In case you haven't been paying attention, we love The O.C. here at Full Frontal. As Zac Crain pointed out, we're just two stories away from having our own fan site. Of course, he didn't want any part of this because we're also getting dangerously close to stalker territory. But whatever--I have no such qualms.

The O.C. made its triumphant return to television after a month off for the World Series (stupid Fox and its broadcasting rights). Which, in turn, gave me an excuse to interview Rachel Bilson, the 22-year-old actress who plays Summer on the hit show.

You've done some acting prior to this, but do people totally accost you now when you go out?

Yeah, you know, it was kinda like an overnight thing. It's kinda weird. Especially when we go out as a group, people will stare. And I'm like, "Am I wearing something?" It's a little crazy, but it's flattering.

Now that you're a true celebrity, do you make unreasonable demands on people? Do you send back your food at restaurants and hurl whiskey bottles at underlings?

No, no, you've gotta use your celebrity for good stuff, not evil. I think it's lame when people act that way--like they're better than everyone.

Your character, Summer, is kind of animated. And by that I mean she's a bitch. Can they make her bitchier? 'Cause I like bad girls...

Oh, she's sooo much fun. She's totally all up in it. She's a party girl, but she's a bitch, too. She's really determined. And I think we've gotten to see other sides of her. She's not always a bitch. But she can be pretty bitchy. Sometimes, after we shoot a scene, I wanna hug the person I do the take with. I'm always like, "It's not me. It's her."

When you're doing a scene with Peter Gallagher, do you ever get distracted by his eyebrows? I'm empathetic to his plight because I, too, have oversized eyebrows.

Awwwww, really?

You make it sound like I'm a charity case.

No, no, I just think that's funny. You'd be surprised how often his eyebrows come up.

Does the cast make fun of the lines? Because the office favorite is, "Welcome to the O.C., bitch!"

Yeah, we love that one, too. We laugh about that all the time.

What's gonna happen with Summer and Seth once the show gets rolling again?

I can't really tell you much, but there's a whole lot of drama there. There might even be a love triangle with us.

That sounds dirty...speaking of: Have they run out of reasons for Summer to prance around in next to nothing [praying to myself that this isn't the case]?

Actually, I've been almost totally clothed the entire new season. It's been pretty cool. It's like, they had me in my bra or a bikini a bunch in the first few episodes, like that's what happens out in California.

Right, that's absurd [damn, damn, damn]...OK, last one: Will you sing the theme song for me?

No. Well, OK, just a little: Cali-for-nia. That's all you're getting.

You're a siren.

--John Gonzalez

Dear Mr. Cuban
Mark Cuban, our favorite billionaire basketball owner, isn't afraid of spending some of his cash if the deal is right. Or even if it isn't. (See: his haircut, his TV "show," the majority of his wardrobe, Shawn Bradley.) Every day he receives pitch after pitch from potential and pretend business partners looking to siphon off a bit of that green to fund their dreams. We at Full Frontal are no different from the rest, except our ideas are really, you know, kick-ass.

The pitch: Cubes, on one hand, you've got a high-end television network (HDNet) and not much programming. A couple of nice interview shows (including Higher Definition, hosted by our own Robert Wilonsky), a stack of reheated reruns (Square Pegs!) and that's about it. On the other, you have a roster full of high-priced stars with nothing to do for at least three months a year. You've got 'em for a full year. Might as well put them to use. So we've come up with one solution for both problems: 'Tawn & 'Toine, a new detective series (modeled on Simon & Simon, which starred a pre-Major Dad Gerald McRaney and that other dude) that follows the crime-fighting exploits of star forwards Antawn Jamison and Antoine Walker.

The setup: 'Tawn and 'Toine discover they are brothers, both sons of renowned private investigator Antwone Fisher. Deciding to continue his legacy, the dynamic duo open their own P.I. firm. From there, it writes itself, really. We haven't scripted anything yet, but we have taken the liberty of coming up with a few catchphrases: "Thanks for the assist, 'Toine!"; "Take this sucka to the hole, 'Tawn!"; "You just entered the penalty, buddy!"; "Here's 'Toine to grow on!" Feel free to use all of them. And so the NBA is happy, have one of them say, "I love this game!" at the completion of a case. Freeze frame, roll the credits. Bonus: Each episode could have more athlete guest stars than a season of Arli$$. Maybe Dirk Nowitzki can have a recurring role as their wacky sidekick. We're just spit-balling here.

Potential downside: Chemistry issues. But if it can work on the court, it can work here. And make sure they don't wear those silver Hefty-bag unis.

Revealed! In response to the Kwik Buddha fans (see Letters) who want to check out my sweet, sweet mug, here I am on a typical Wednesday night. Enjoy. --Zac Crain

Discover Dallas with the Mayor
"For the five years I've been here, a recurring nightmare has been the Bachman Lake area--crime, the sexually oriented businesses, bars operating without the proper certificates of occupancy, trash, litter, weeds. We have this beautiful lake there, and it's surrounded by horrible activity and filth. I drove by there two days ago. It's just astonishing what goes on over there. Everyone has to do their part."

--Mayor Laura Miller, quoted in the October 22 issue of The Dallas Morning News

The Bachman Lake area is run-down? We're shocked! The next thing you know, downtown will be dead after dark. As we catch our breath, allow Full Frontal to list other statements Mayor Miller made after her recent driving tour:

1. "This area they call Lower Greenville--it's filled with bars, hot young women, drunk young men chasing tail...and some bearded dude running around taking pictures of people pissing in yards. What the hell is that about?"

2. "I don't think anyone shops for Manolo Blahnik heels at Town East Mall. I just don't."

3. "When did Fair Park go black?"

4. "When did Cedar Hill go black?"

5. "I drove up Cedar Springs, and there were hot guys everywhere."

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