Whitt's End: 3.26.10

Whether you're at the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt's End:

*While Donovan McNabb is dangled by the Philadelphia Eagles and Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers conveniently avoids talking to the police about possible rape charges, isn't it nice that Dallas Cowboys' quarterback Tony Romo is enjoying a relatively quiet off-season? Romo is merely dating Candice Crawford, playing a little golf with John Daly, going to the Black Eyed Peas concert at American Airlines Center and, oh yeah, shooting some hoops in Plano. (Editorial aside: Should that have been an offensive foul for hooking on No. 24 in white?)

*Assuming the Dallas Mavericks can hold onto the Western Conference's No. 2 or No. 3 seed, my biggest concern entering the playoffs is the way they are consistently torched by opposing point guards. Latest example, Portland's Andre Miller (19 points,10 assists) last night. Seems like Rick Carlisle could manufacture some perimeter defense via the trifecta of Jason Kidd, J.J. Barea and Roddy Beaubois, but he may have to play more zone just to stop driving penetration into the lane.

*Thanks to Vulva, now you never have to smell your buddy's finger ever again. Gross?! I mean, kinda hot? No, I mean gross!! I think.

*Raise your hand if you thought the Texas Rangers would break Spring Training without either Derek Holland, Tommy Hunter or Brandon McCarthy in the starting rotation. Not I. Should we view this as progress, or step-back failure? Then again, Scott Feldman was banished to the bullpen a year ago at this time and wound up winning 17 games, so who the hell really knows?

*One last thing on this healthcare reform imbroglio: In addition to helping 9-month-old babies and 90-year-old men get the meds they require, yes, the new laws may support a lazy mother of six. But, in the big picture, isn't better for us as Americans to have helped too many rather than too few?



*Sad what has happened to Dwight Gooden. When he was 19 he was the shit.

*New Orleans ranks as the nation's most well-endowed city. Hmm. Somehow I missed that question on my Census form.

*Anybody worried that new Rangers' slugger Vladimir Guerrero has 0 homers in 43 Spring Training at-bats? Nah, me either.

*When I heard Lubbock Republican Randy Neugebauer blurt out "it's a baby killer" the other night, it reminded me of the time when I violently, regrettably inserted foot into mouth. True story: On a blind date in college (at some Chinese dive right next to the Putt-Putt on Division in Arlington, if you must know), I arrived late to find her already sitting at the bar. I sat down and turned on the charm, inquiring about her ideal fantasy vacation. "I'd give my left leg to go to Hawaii," I said. It wasn't until she slammed down her drink, shoved her chair away from the bar and hobbled toward the door that I realized she had a prosthetic leg. Yes, her left one. There was no second date.

*I'm a pretty open-minded, patient guy. But I totally lose interest in people the second I get an email stating "I'll meet you their" or "Look at there boobs." Really, is it that damn difficult? That said, my persistent tongue-twister is the word publicity. For some reason I always want to say pulbicity.

*Why I love Spring: March Madness. Spring Training. Green grass. Chirping birds. Sunshine. Shorts. And, of course, Girl Scout cookies. I'm not a big sweets guy, but I can plow through a box of Samoas like that.

*I know sometimes push has to come to shove and violence is the only option, but recently in Las Vegas I saw two 30-something men just all-out brawling. Torn shirts, bloody mouths, knees to the crotch. The works. When are you too old to get in a fist fight? My last one was probably in my late 20s and ... hey, don't put a finger in my face ... or else!!

*I don't care what you say, Dick Van Dyke was a funny dude.

*Fine haters, I'll indulge you. I prefer my blender's "puree" over "mix". You happy now?

*Me? Tonight from 6-8 I'll be at the Fort Worth Gentlemen's Club, representing 105.3 The Fan and hosting the joint's "Spring Fling." How does no cover charge and a free steak dinner (it's on me!) sound? Saturday night let's keep this March Madness Hooters tour rolling along at the wildly popular Addison location. I'll be there at 6 p.m. sharp for Kentucky-West Virginia and I'll be armed with free tickets to Stars and Mavs games. Don't be a stranger.

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