Whitt's End: 7.3.09

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Whether you're at the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt's End:

*Any day now expect 103.3 FM ESPN to announce it has signed Michael Irvin and co-host Kevin Kiley to a new contract keeping them in the 11 a.m.-2 p.m. slot. Considering the show's uninspired ratings and the current radio landscape (re: financially barren), I can guarantee Irvin took a significant pay cut on this deal.

*It's Texas. It's summer. Deal with it. The heat, I mean. To halt the bitching, we should make thermometers that stop at 99 degrees. Though the difference between 99 and 100 is negligible, it's a psychological threshold that freaks us out. Also, weathermenhumans should be required to give us July "wind chill" temperatures. I mean, it's 107 out in the sun but in the shade with a nice breeze it can't be more than 102, right?

*You're going to hate this initially, but stick with me: I respect the evil genius of Bernie Madoff. In the same way that we romanticize bank robbers, jewelry thieves and casino cheats, Madoff developed a way to beat the system with his Ponzi scheme. He's the greatest con man of our generation. It's possible to admire his brilliance yet hate the way he used it, right? (Addendum: Would you accept $13 billion to spend at your discretion at age 41 if, at 71, you were handcuffed and sent to prison for the rest of your life? Me: I'll see you behind bars.)

*The Mavs drafted another foreigner. Sucks, but at least he wasn't a big white stiff. What's that you say about Magic center Marcin Gortat? Nooooooo!

*If Michael Jackson would've chosen athletics, I'm thinking ... figure skater?

*Is it just me, or does there seem to be more center field homers at Rangers Ballpark than any other park? Speaking of Green's Hill, two words that would make those home-run ball scrums more interesting: Ladies. Only.

*I've been known to toot our President's horn, but I'm pissed at Obama for his about-face on governement transparency. Then: Open book. Now: Visitors' lists to the White House being kept private. Not good.

*Surely you've heard those annoying Tecate Light commercials on the radio by now. The one where the apparently deaf dude makes the bartender repeat his options about 10 times. At the end, when the patron finally asks for a Tecate Light, the bartender responds "Sure, coming up man." There's then this terrible crashing noise. WTF? Did the bartender take a fall on a wet spot? Or did he get tired of being pestered and smash a beer stein across the dude's noggin'?

*Dumbest idea ever: One of the Jonas Brothers is getting engaged. If he only realized what he could be doing.

*I was driving along the Bush Tollway Turnpike the other day, when I wondered what in the hell was a turnpike? Just another name for tollway, turns out.


*Hotter. (NSFW, just barely.)


*Trees? There were trees at Texas Stadium? Went there a couple hundred times and never saw 'em. Weird.

*Hot chicks. Fast cars. Forcify Yo Ride!

*The best center in Dallas Mavericks' center may or may not be elected to the Seattle City Council.

*My ranking of all-time sex symbols: 1. Pamela Anderson; 2. Madonna; 3. Farrah Fawcett; 4. Marilyn Monroe. Quick story: I was so fixated on Farrah's famous poster that - as "commissioner" of my neighborhood's Wiffle Ball League - I took the funds to the mall and decided against a new bat and balls.

*Anybody else watch some U.S. soccer last weekend and think a swarm of killer bees was invading the stadium in South Africa? Turns out the very distracting noise was something called a vuvuzela. Dear American sports commissioners: Ban these now, before it's too late.

*England is a country. Scotland is a country. Great Britain is an empire? Region? Whatever. And I have no idea what the British Isles are. What I do know is that England fans are cheating when they claim Scotland's Andy Murray as their own tennis star. C'mon, we've seen Braveheart. No friggin' way. Unless you let the U.S. claim Wayne Gretzky.

*In between chugging beer, woofing burgers and ogling bikinis, this weekend I'll find time to be on 105.3 The Fan Sunday 10 a.m.-2 p.m. and then be the guest on Channel 5's Out of Bounds sports smorgasboard show Sunday night at 10:20. You have been warned.

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