I'mma Pass on the Bathing Suit, But Spanx for Asking.

Hey ladies (and mid-40s Dallas douchebags), you ever skooch yourself into the sausage-casing that is Spanx? Yeah, us too. And we just discovered that Spanx, who brought you the shapewear that made you look un-muffin-toppy and awesome in that fancy outfit you wore recently, has a swimwear line. Yep. They're...

By Alice Laussade

July 11, 2011

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Hey ladies (and mid-40s Dallas douchebags), you ever skooch yourself into the sausage-casing that is Spanx? Yeah, us too. And we just discovered that Spanx, who brought you the shapewear that made you look un-muffin-toppy and awesome in that fancy outfit you wore recently, has a swimwear line. Yep. They're making Spanxing suits.

The Spanx website exclaims, "It's shapewear you can swim in!" The idea sounds good in theory: Nobody wants to look crappy in a bathing suit, right?

But, we fear the reality of the situation would be miserable at best. A bathing suit just offers too many places for the Spanx-ed stuff to squeeze out.

Please refer to Fig. 1 after the jump.

Fig. 1

Don't get us wrong, we're pretty sure you'd be totally hot from bellybutton to underboobs. But everywhere else, things just have no other option but to be a trainwreck, right?

On the plus side, maybe these suits have the patented Spanx pee hole. Sure would make peeing at/in the pool waaaaay easier.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.

Contact: Alice Laussade