Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids

Monday night is Halloween. Which means it's time to start thinking about what you'll be handing out to the little ones this year. If you're awesome, we know you'll be the house with the king-size Snickers bars and the werewolf droppings. But if you hate kids and you're also the...

By Alice Laussade

October 27, 2011

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Monday night is Halloween. Which means it's time to start thinking about what you'll be handing out to the little ones this year. If you're awesome, we know you'll be the house with the king-size Snickers bars and the werewolf droppings.

But if you hate kids and you're also the worst at life, here's a list of five candies (besides the obvious worst: candy corn) we're pretty sure you'll be giving out:

1. Giant Shitty Candy

You'd think that any candy in a giant form would be better, but you'd be so awfully, horribly wrong about that.

2. Circus Peanuts

Even the circus is like, "Seriously dude, these are fucking nasty."

3. Those Grody, Waxy Pumpkin Things

How 'bout making pumpkins taste like pumpkins? No? Oh, right. Obviously they should taste like piss instead.

4. Pumpkin Peeps

You, sirs, are not Peeps. Peeps are fuckin' baby-chicken-shaped and yellow. They're classy. And they're named Peeps because that's the sound baby chickens make. You poseur pumpkin Peeps can suck a candy corn.

5. Those green peppermints and hard candies only the worst restaurants give out

You're not a Chili's. Stop acting like one.

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.

Contact: Alice Laussade