I heard that Maple & Motor was small and that you gotta get there early if you don't want to have to wait in line, so I made it to there by 11:30 a.m. A buncha assholes must've heard I was on my way and decided to beat me there, because by the time I rolled up the parking lot was packed and there was already a line of drooling humanity oozing its way out the door.
Outside, there's a sign on the door telling you that you've gotta order before you get yourself a table. This tells me that at some point Dallas showed up in her Sam Moon bangles, was a dick lick and started saving tables for a party of 20 that never showed. Don't ever be this person. This person who saves shit for people. I hate you, Saver. I hate you when you're saving seats at the movies. I hate you when you're saving a spot for your friend in line in front of me. I even hate you when you're saving your virginity for your wedding night as if Jesus gives half a holy turd. (Newsflash: Horrible lays and your mom made that abstinence shit up in the '40s. I was there).
I digress.
Once inside Maple & Motor, I followed an insider tip and ordered a cheeseburger everything-onnit plus bacon. Add a side of tots (which you can get cheesy-baconed) and a drink. I had intended to get something from the fountain, but on my way over there I noticed the iced tea labeled "Jolly Rancher Tea" was totally seducing me with its spigot. So, I went for it. And oh my Robert Downey Jr., it was so beyond delicious. I'm officially a fan of watermelon Jolly Rancher candy (was it cherry? I think it was watermelon) and iced tea doing the deed.
So, how was the burger? The burger was so good I can't even give you details about the decor of the inside of this place even though I was there like an hour. I blame the happy meat fog. Burger was juicy, still pink in the middle and the meat-to-condiment ratio was spot on. (Some people would call it messy. I would call those people pussies.) This place has its shit together. And by "shit," I mean "sweet, sweet, totally bangable burgers."
