Alice Column

Cheap Bastard's Work-Outer's Guide

Working Out All the Best Workouts in Dallas

By Alice Laussade
Aug 26, 2015

Do you want slimmer eyeballs? Maybe your elbows are looking a little heavy these days? Do you want to wake up, look in the mirror and love what you see so much that you invite yourself to sex? Do you want rock-hard abs and a new haircut? Do you want...
Dad Bod by DILF Is Sweepin' the Nation

By Alice Laussade
May 19, 2015

You've heard about the Dad Bod, right? AKA the Regular-Dude Bod, the "I work out once in a while, but I also chug pizza and beers whenever I want" Bod. If you don't feel like your definition is complete, watch this video, featuring Dallas-born Clayton Farris, which is quickly gaining...
Dallas Christmas Shopping Bingo! Can You Find Yourself?

By Alice Laussade
Dec 15, 2014

It's the holiday season. A time of joy. A time of laughter. A time when everyone likes to buy their favorite friends and family members presents whilst being total dicks to all the strangers in their path. Let's all go to NorthPark and play Holiday Shopping Bingo! The Twitchy-Eyed Mom...
Do Not Let Kim Kardashian Dress Your Infant.

By Alice Laussade
Jul 2, 2014

When I heard that Kim Kardashian had a new baby collection coming out, I assumed it was a formal announcement that she was about to birth multiples. As it turns out, she is not going to birth a collection of babies, but has in actuality created a line of baby...
Eff You, Lice, and the Little Lice Horse You Rode In On

By Alice Laussade
Jun 27, 2014

Dearest Lice, Fuck you very much. Fuck you for jumping onto some kid's head, and then onto my kid's head. Fuck you additionally and this time more aggressively and angrily for then jumping onto my head. I will end you. I know that you were sent to earth to remind...
Wear a Bike Helmet; The World Is Full of Dumbasses

By Alice Laussade
Jun 17, 2014

Recently, Dallas City Council decided that they didn't want to force people older than 17 years of age to wear helmets when they're riding bikes. Which is fine. I don't believe that there has to be a law saying everything that's fucking stupid is fucking stupid. If that were the...
It's Time for Full-On Elf on the Shelf Parenting

By Alice Laussade
Jun 5, 2014

I found it in the children's book section of Barnes & Noble. It was colorful. It had birthday balloons all over it. It was sent to my eyeballs from the devil himself. And now, I share this awful news with you: There is an Elf on the Shelf for birthdays...
Predicting 2014's Most Popular Baby Names with Science!

By Alice Laussade
May 30, 2014

Recently, Time magazine published a baby-name predictor, developed with Chris Franck, an assistant research professor in statistics at Virginia Tech. Using a model that seems to be at the very least more accurate at generating results than The Dallas Morning News' Best Neighborhood Survey, Franck reports that Noah has unseated...
Traditional Anniversary Gifts Can Suck It. Here's What You Should Really Get.

By Alice Laussade
May 13, 2014

Congratulations. You've been married for more than one year! That means you get to start celebrating your success at staying married or failure at divorcing once a year every year! The Internet says that there are traditional anniversary gifts for each year of marriage. But the traditional list of anniversary...
How to Be the Perfect Scarborough Fair Asshole

By Alice Laussade
May 1, 2014

Confession: I have not only attended Scarborough Fair, but I have shown up in costume. Multiple times. Sober. Not on a dare. During college. With a choir group, and we totally sang period-appropriate tunes without being asked to and without being paid for it. Because we were nerd rebels. I...
Mad Men Needs Less Staring, More Dying

By Alice Laussade
Apr 24, 2014

I don't like Mad Men. Maybe it's because I used to be a copywriter in an ad agency. Hearing ad people love on Mad Men is grosser than watching your parents make out. "As an art director, I love the art direction." "I really feel like Peggy and I are...
Preschool Owns You, and There's Nothing You Can Do

By Alice Laussade
Apr 16, 2014

In preschool, they decide when school happens because they have you by the toddler balls. They don't follow a regular school calendar, because fuck you, they do what they want, this isn't real education yet. The "pre" in "preschool" does stand for "pretend," after all. This isn't to say that...
He Who Steals My Mom Purse Steals a Buttload of Chapsticks and Baby Wipes. Dummies.

By Alice Laussade
Mar 26, 2014

Dearest Butt Faces Who Broke into My Car at White Rock Lake Last Week, When you broke the windows of my car (I was parked on Lawther by the stone tables), just like you've done to five other cars at the lake this month, according to police reports, and stole...
Addison!! WTF?! What's with the New, Boring Logo?!?!?!

By Alice Laussade
Mar 12, 2014

Dearest Addison: It has come to my attention that you have decided to change the logo for your town. This greatly saddens me. I have loved that logo since its inception. Every time I drive down Midway Road and find myself passing through your suburb, I yell, "Yay, I'm in...
Valley View's Wasteland Still a Good Place to Catch a Flick -- A Zombie Movie, Perhaps

By Alice Laussade
Mar 5, 2014

Dying Valley View Mall might not have Gadzooks, Thirsty's or dignity anymore, but what it does have is the perfect movie theater. I love it, because you're too scared to take your pretty girlfriend there, so it's always empty. I wait in zero line to see Frozen on opening weekend...
Our Winter Olympics Week 2 Drinking Game

By Alice Laussade
Feb 19, 2014

Whether you love the Winter Olympics ("Guns plus skiing equals yes!!") or hate them ("Stupid Winter Olympics need more gymnastics less ice dancing!"), everyone knows all Olympics are better with beer. Or whiskey. Or and whiskey. Welcome to the 2014 Sochi Olympics Drinking Game, the only way to enjoy the...
How to Brag About Your Kid (Lie Like a Big Dog)

By Alice Laussade
Feb 14, 2014

If you're a parent, it's essential that you learn how to brag about your child as soon as possible. After all, parents are competitive about their children as soon as the kids pop out. (Sometimes, even before the kid's born. "My pregnancy was super easy. I loved being pregnant! My...
Pleasure Doing Business: An Ode to the Nordstrom Bathroom

By Alice Laussade
Feb 5, 2014

You've been there: You're walking through Nordstrom in NorthPark because it's on the way to the rest of the mall, and some cute plastic watch in the jewelry case catches your eye and so you ask the nice saleslady if you can "Check that sucker out," and the nice saleslady...
Don't Be a Po-po. Teach Your Kids the Proper Names of Their Junk.

By Alice Laussade
Jan 31, 2014

Noonie. Pee-pee. Dingle. Cha-cha. These aren't stripper names. They're the baby talk that many parents like to teach their kids instead of teaching them the words "penis" and "vagina." I asked a mom why she was calling her kid's parts weird things and she said that she was uncomfortable with...
As Soon as My Baby Develops His Upper Bod, He's Doing His Own Laundry

By Alice Laussade
Jan 29, 2014

I am sick and tired of my kid being so lazy. He's lived under my roof his whole life, eating my food, leaving his crap all over the house expecting me to pick up after him without ever once saying "thanks." It's like, dude, you're 7 months old. Grow. Up...

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