The Master Cleanser

Status: Green Weight: 156.9 (-14.2) Mood: Hungry Hunched Over Happy! Tonight, we dine! Well, sorta. I'll probably have some soup. Maybe an ease-out-of-it cracker or two. Nothing too crazy. After all, it's been 10 days since my last food: A jalapeno cheeseburger on white bread and a handful of red grapes at...

Status: Green Weight: 157.6 (-13.5) Mood: Bitter Better It's not that I'm craving or lusting food. I'm really not. It's just that, well, God I'm sick of lemons. Buying them and cutting them and squeezing them and smelling them and having their juice sting my cuticles and, yes, drinking them. I'm even...

Status: Green Weight: 157.6 (-13.5) Mood: Restless Remorseful Resolved First, the desire hatched an idea. Then the idea became a challenge. The challenge bred committment. The committment begat stubborness. Now, stubborness has morphed into habit. The Master Cleanser has become second nature, a way of life. My weight seems to...

Status: Green Weight: 158.0 (-13.1) Mood: Pissed Pensive Peaceful Wanna hear something gross? Well, that is half the reason you're here, right? Okay, The Master Cleanser's diabolical discharge doesn't only come from the bottom floor. For the first week I've been blow-blow-blow-blowing my nose. So much so that I finally...

Status: Green Weight: 158.8 (-12.3) Mood: Bitchy Belligerent Beloved When you're on The Master Cleanser, it's the little things. No, really, the little things. This morning I was sipping my breakfast, chuckling at today's supposed "breaking news" that I gave you two weeks ago about Michael Crabtree, considering what it must...

Status: Green Weight: 161.5 (-9.6) Mood: Crazy Caustic Content One of the benefits of losing weight is gaining time. When you stop eating - 5 days and counting - you realize exactly how much time we devote each day to food. The planning. The shopping. The commuting. The waiting. The...

Status: Green Weight: 162.0 (-9.1) Mood: Edgy Enraged Ecstatic Not a big fan of singing. Truth be told, I'm not head-over-heels in love with showers, either. But I'll be damned if I didn't find myself singing in the shower this morning. Granted it was an apropos Nine Inch Nails diddy - don't...

Status: Green Weight: 165.8 (-5.3) Mood: Sad Stagnant Skeptical Surprised It's weird about cravings. I'm quickly learning on this diet that it's not your body that craves food, it's your mind. With the nutrients from the lemons and syrup, my body - somehow - is fine. Energetic even. I'm sleeping...

Status: Yellow Weight: 167.8 ( -3.3) Mood: Hungry Horny Horrified Few times in a man's life he finds himself running around the house, repeatedly gagging and pleading to anyone on his block, "Forget it, I want a dirty colon! I want a dirty colon!!" Try drinking a quart of warm...

Status: Green Weight: 171.1 Mood: Optimistic Committed Apprehensive So, this is it? 2009 rings in and we're left to deal with no Cowboys, medicore Mavericks and a hockey team void of Brenden Morrow, Sean Avery and post-season potential? Bor-ring. I know, let's spice things up a bit. With a pinch...