10 Questions: Mr. Dallas

He is, in every sense of the word, The Man.

Well, that attribution is probably only true for those of us sharing far too much zeal for nightlife, but still...

No one is better than this bleary-eyed Dallas Morning News icon at zeroing in on a scene, distilling it into words and making it all explode into life again on the page--scissors girls, torso boys and all. Simply put, without Mr. Dallas to guide us, neither the poseurs nor the cocktail aficionados (nor what's left of the Fickle 500) would have a conscience.

In real life, he's also an arts editor. Just watch out if he reaches for cooking oil and Saran Wrap...

1. Pixilated or hammered?
"Hammered" is better. I'm not much for animation in any form or references to it. "Hammered" has the aggressive, low-tech quality that America needs in these straitened times to describe drunkenness.

2. What is the appeal of upscale nightlife?
Shallow validation. Why go to the bother of accomplishing great things when you can just hang around people who might possibly know, or be distantly related to, somebody who's accomplished great things? Also, and this is not a minor point, upscale nightclubs tend to draw a larger percentage of regular bathers.

3. Anything wrong with grabbing a beer at the neighborhood pub?
Nothing, as long as you avoid getting infected with earthiness. I support with gusto cheese fries and tasteless American brews.

4. Who would you most like to drink with?
Christopher Hitchens--pre-brawl in Lebanon--whom I've tippled with before. Otherwise, Michael Mann, Paul Bettany or Tilda Swinton. Beyond that, any angular blonde who's not chewing gum would be peachy.

5. Every guy has tried--but what are the odds of picking up a waitress or female bartender?
Five-to-one against, which, given my history in Las Vegas, is not a bad bet.

6. You have kind words to say about Plano. Why?
Plano nightlifers are an entirely different tribe, and I'm just beginning to sort them out. I sense a refreshing obviousness and can-do spirit there about engaging in poor life choices that is lacking at Dallas clubs. Regret only the perilous late-night commute back down the Tollway.

7. Ever think 'you know, I'm just gonna stay at home on Friday and have hot chocolate'?
Certainly, accompanied by dishwasher loading or underwear folding. Friday is often a stay home and stare into the abyss night for me.

8. What is the best night to go out?
Can't beat Saturday, which is why Saturday is such a monumental bear logistically. Everybody else thinks the same. I find that, after a long week doing my actual job, Friday is difficult to negotiate without a disco nap. And too many early-week excursions smack of "Bright Lights, Big City" dissipation.

9. If you were in a bar and saw that Richard Simmons and Pauly Shore were about to duke it out, would you stop them?
Only long enough to douse them with cooking oil and roll out the Saran Wrap.

10. Yes, Fonzie was cool in the 70s. But could he get laid today?
If he were wearing Ed Hardy and driving a leased 3 series, then yes.

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