Everybody has that Dallas friend who seems to know everything about every restaurant in this fine city. But have things gone a little too far?
Are we on a first-name basis with way too many sommeliers in town? Is it easier for people to find you sitting at a table inside La Banqueta on Bryan Street than at your own home? (If you knee-jerk answered "Whatever, there aren't tables inside La Banqueta on Bryan Street, there's only a bar with like one chair and there's barely any room for someone to sit there, nobody would hang out there all day," there's no reason for you to read this list. You clearly have a problem.)
Is it time for an intervention? Here are 25 signs that you might be spending too much time dining out in Dallas.
1. You never schedule meetings for 9 a.m. on the first of the month, just in case you might want to make reservations at Lucia.
2. John Tesar hates you.
3. You've ordered so many Ascencion macchiatos that they no longer lecture about what a real macchiato is.
4. Dean Fearing's band wrote a song about you.
5. Your car is parked overnight on Henderson at least three nights a week.
6. Your phone no longer autocorrects "Nonna" to "Nina."
7. When you order the omakase at Tei-An, Teiichi starts sharpening his knives and says, "Oh, it's on bitches."
8. You've been chest bumped by Jack Perkins.
9. "If found, deliver to Neighborhood Services" is tattooed on the inside of your wrist.
10. You know where this artwork hangs.
11. You avoid Mother's Day brunch because "All those stupid families be fillin' up my favorite restaurant."
12. Your watch is synchronized to Cafe Momentum's so you're sure to get tickets to their pop-up dinners exactly five seconds after they go on sale. Every time.
13. You refer to Off-Site Kitchen as "Kitchen."
14. Guy Fieri's production staff called you and asked which Dallas restaurants he should check out for Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives.
15. Kent Rathbun once let you drive his yellow Porsche as an amuse bouche.
16. You know exactly how many inches taller you are than Stephan Pyles.
17. You named your dog McCallister. When he goes to take a dump, you say "he's foraging."
18. The Sprinkles Cupcake ATM speaks your name when you order from it, like KITT from Knight Rider.
19. Jeana and Colleen asked you what their next restaurant concept should be.
20. You count picking up at Jimmy's as making dinner.
21. You've eaten Luscher's Post Oak items at more than three different locations.
22. You know the names of the last five bars that have occupied the space currently occupied by Tried & True, and you ate at all of them.
23. You've scooped Teresa Gubbins.
24. When you get home from work, you wait in your driveway for the valet.
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25. Bruno calls you when he's sad.
If more than five of these signs apply to you, maybe try going to a grocery store soon and buying something other than toiletries, huh? Baby steps.