Ah, Independence Day. Nothing quite says "celebrate America" like the combination of barbecue, explosives, martial music and getting wasted. So here's a list...(riiiiiip sound of needle being dragged across vinyl record).
OK, wait right there. Earlier this week City of Ater Alice Laussade was invited to move her pinko butt to a Third World country merely for suggesting in her post Five Awesomely Easy Desserts for 4th of July that some of Americans get a little lazy when whipping up items to bring to holiday potlucks. Commenter Marie was offended. "Move to a third world country and try your creative thinking there," Marie suggested. "See how far you get!!!!!"
Marie's right, of course. The censorship of dessert-related speech by authoritarian governments in the developing world is an issue that doesn't get the serious attention it deserves, and it was downright un-American to ignore that fact and take our precious confectionery freedoms lightly.
So then, why would we dare suggest this time that Americans like to booze it up on July 4th? Three possible explanations:
1. We're Americans, and we like to booze it up on July 4th.
2. We're American-hating members of the evil MSM who despise freedom, the flag and Jesus. Not just the big, bearded, preachy Jesus either, but the cute little baby Jesus in the manger too.
We'll leave it to you to decide. In the meantime, here's another list for your Independence Day: 5 Awesomely Easy Ways to Imbibe for the 4th of July:
The Vodka Luge
A simple device really: Get one large block of ice. Cut a sloping channel in it. Pour vodka in the top end of channel. Place glass -- or mouth -- at lower end. Drink. (The person answering the phone at American Ice, 2431 W. Commerce St., says the 300 pound blocks of clear ice they sell are ideal for luges. It's $85 if you pick it up yourself, truss not included. They do deliver for an extra $15, but probably not this weekend.)
Thanks to American ingenuity and craftsmanship, you don't have to settle for a simple, utilitarian block of ice. This isn't Russia. As you can see in the accompanying photo, or by Googling "vodka luge," artisans have taken to carving elaborate sculptures specifically designed to transport grain alcohol to glass. What you won't see here -- we pride ourselves on good taste at the Observer -- is the photo we found of the ice-sculpted, nude male pelvis, designed so that vodka gushes from the tip of an icy penis. "Pour at the hip, drink at the tip."
America the Booziful Pops
Popsicles are a necessity at any 4th of July party. And so is booze. So, why not kill two birds with one stone? Check out these awesome recipes for liquored-up popsicles (that actually freeze!!!) that we found on the Internet: Giada's Watermelon Vodka Pops and Bittersweet Chocolate Bourbon Pops.
No, not the kind that go boom -- at least not right away. These are maraschino cherries soaked in Everclear 190 proof overnight, perfect toppers for that home-made ice cream that devotees of Martha Stewart will no doubt be cranking out this holiday.
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SHOW ME HOW
Gummi Bears, Cured in Vodka
Those little cute bears, as it turns out, soak up vodka like your Grandfather on Christmas. Here's the complicated idea: fill a big ass bowl with Gummi Bears. Then, coat those suckers with Stoli. Let the bears sit for several days and consume. It's like mini, chewy Jell-O shots, another fave of ours.
Two many sweet treats for you drinkers? Don't like the vicious, oh-God-kill-me-now hangovers you get from mixing spirits with massive amounts of sugar? Then try this semi-healthy classic that blends the All-American summertime melon with 1/2 liter of vodka. Simply remove a plug from a medium-sized watermelon, drain of bottle of potato juice into it, replace plug and chill for eight hours or so. You'll be chillin' like Huck Finn in no time.
And finally, a warning: You'll notice that four of these five treats are the sort of things a child might accidentally chow down on, so please be careful. You don't want any stumbling-drunk, puking rugrats spoiling your picnic. If the unthinkable happens, however, please seek medical attention immediately and send any hilarious videos of tipsy toddlers to City of Ate, so we can post it.
Happy July 4th.