You don't need Pete Delkus to tell you that it's hot outside, but if we're already seeing highs in the 90s in April, just wait for the griping and sweating we'll all be doing in June. Luckily, 7-Eleven, our chosen retailer for issues of Mugly! and beer pong paraphernalia, recognizes that the heat calls for a refreshing beverage, so in June the chain will launch a new Slurpee cup designed to give you double the icy goodness, plus extra sugar, calories and a massive brain freeze that could induce a summer-long coma.
According to USA Today, the convenience store chain will offer cups with divided sections that will allow fans of fructose corn syrup to sip two Slurpee flavors at once. Two flavors at ONCE?! 7-Eleven should have hired some Observer staffers as Slurpee scientists. Don't tell anyone, but we've been blending flavors since we were big enough to reach the Slurpee machine, and we even invented a signature drink called the Cherry Coke Slurpee. See, the trick is to take your cup, place it under one nozzle, get some of that Coke Slurpee and then place the cup under the Fanta Wild Cherry to get that perfect blend of soda and artificial cherry flavoring.
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Since a cup with two chambers isn't inventive enough for a marketing campaign, the geniuses at 7-Eleven have also created a straw contraption by connecting two straws with a valve that looks like a cute, little Slurpee. They seem to have thought of everything, including how to waste a shitload of plastic on a concept that's as old as a Beta player. Here's our advice: Keep rebranding old varieties of Slurpees with film and video game promotions. Killzone 3 Battle Fuel sounds much more violent than what it really is (Fanta Orange), and surely no one will notice that Blue Lightning Blast isn't really "inspired by Thor" or isn't a "thunderous blend of raspberry and tangerine." No one will ever figure out it's just Hawaiian Punch Polar Blast, not Thor's elixir of power. We'll stick to what's tried and true, our Cherry Coke Slurpee, but in a cup that doesn't look like a toddler's sippy cup.