Burger King Offers Delivery In Houston. Not in Dallas. Screw You, King of Burgers.

If you're gonna do drug or booze stuff this weekend, do it in Houston, where Burger King is now offering burger delivery. Houstonites can order a Delivery Deal that's 10 cheeseburgers and 20 chicken nuggets. Delivery hours are 11 a.m. until 10 p.m. every day.

And that's great. For Houston. But, what about Dallas? What in the burger hell, Burger King? Dallas isn't cool enough for you? Fine. Turns out, we hate your stupid burgers anyhow. You are no King of Burgers. We can do better. And we will.

We now call upon you, Off-Site Kitchen. Hear our cries, Maple & Motor. Angry Dog, please to drive your foods to our drunk-at-home face holes. Or, hey SMU Business Major Student Person, start a burger delivery business. College kids in Boulder, Colorado, started a successful maid service for The Hungover a while back, so you have the power to corner a pothead burger market. Get on it.

We don't want a shitty chain burger delivered to our homes. We want a real, delicious, groan-inducing burger to show up on our doorstep like a burger hooker we just bootycalled. You could call the service Burger Hooker Bootycall. You could charge hundreds. Up-charge for a burger lap dance. Everyone. Wins.

Please make Burger Hooker Bootycall a thing, Real Dallas Kings of The Burger. Please now.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade