Complaint Desk

Dear St. Louis: Your Pizza Cheese is Bullshit. Just Admit it and Move On.

Dear people of St. Louis,

You're about to either head to Dallas or watch Dallas on your TV as our baseball (and football) players beat the ever living baseballs (and footballs) out of your baseball (and football) players. I'm not talking about the Most Elligible Dallas Dallas ("Carbs and cheese are poison! Where is my trainer!?"), but the Dallas that, for the most part, really knows how to eat. Food. We'll get to what you call "barbecue" later, but for now, let's start with pizza.

Yeah. Pizza. It's a circular bread-type food item topped with a tomato-based sauce, various toppings and ... something else ... I can't quite remember ... oh yeah: CHEESE. Like, specifically, mozzarella cheese. Heard of it?

No, St. Louis, it seems you haven't heard of it, because for some reason in your town you eat something that resembles pizza cheese but is really a scary-named mixture of three cheeses, none of which belong on pizza. (And don't even get me started on that bullshit, hard, 90-year-old cracker crust.)

Now, nobody is arguing that Dallas has the best pizza; I'm no glutton for punishment in the form of raining rafts of crap from commenters. But I will say that at least our pizza is actual PIZZA. As in, we use the basic ingredients commonly accepted by the whole wide world to be those which make up pizza. Crust. Sauce. Mozzarella cheese. Toppings. In your face.

Sure, you can get fancy and add goat cheese or a nice fontina. You can even nix the sauce if you're into that sort of thing, Campania. But you CANNOT categorically replace the cheese across the board just because you're St. Louis. You're not the Vatican, for Christ's sake.

And what is this "Provel" substance anyway? It sounds like a synthetic food-like amalgamation made to be consumed in some dystopian future society where we all gratefully receive our vital nutrients in pill form, doled out by government agents who watch us with little cameras in our brains. That will suck badly enough when it happens in six years. Why would you do that to us now, St. Louis? Why?

In summary, Provel cheese = Soylent Green. Laugh if you will, but in 2012 we will be just ten short years away from eating PEOPLE. Think about THAT.

People of St. Louis! Drop those shredded cheese product-covered people food squares you're eating and get with the pizza program. Come to Dallas, eat some decent pizza and you'll forget all about that processed Soylent crap you eat back home. And as for all that leftover Provel you've got lying around? I suggest you roll it up in a ball and toss it as hard and fast as you can and let Cruz hit that shit way out of the park. Way back. Way back. Gone.

Love and let's go Rangers,


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