The best part of waking up is heart palpitations and hearing colors, right? It is according to a recent NPR discussion about a brand of coffee from upstate New York called Death Wish. Yes, Death Wish. Surely the drink du jour of every touring Norwegian black metal band (there's one called Thorns!), Death Wish is a dream come true for all former Jolt Cola addicts everywhere, who now have jobs and bills. Called "The Strongest Coffee in the World," Death Wish touts a veritable shit ton of caffeine and other coffee-related properties that will make your colon go BOOM. Opposite of tempting.
It claims to sell the strongest coffee in the world: 200 percent more caffeine than your typical coffee shop brew, according to the website, which also calls Starbuck's sissy coffee.
The owners say they found a highly caffeinated bean that they roast medium dark for a strong flavor. Death Wish coffee costs $20 a pound. And the company is so sure of the buzz that they say you'll get that they have a 60-day 110 percent money back guarantee if you feel insufficiently wired after drinking it.
Any takers, Aters?
Based on the caffeine content, guesses for claims of being "insufficiently wired" include not shitting your pants immediately, lack of hospitalization and not being fired for chewing on your desk. There is no limit to the hyperbolic analogies that can be made to allude to the fact this coffee will very likely make you act like a damn coke head. Some of the online reviews, made by people who have no concern for their own health, include terms like "addicted," "zipping," "the Flash," "intense," "unadulterated," "long-haul trucker" and "Frankenstein." So clearly, it works. OK, maybe not the opposite of tempting.
The Death Wish website has a very friendly, seemingly logical explanation for their goal of exploding their customers' hearts. The method behind the madness asserts dark roast coffee is simply "not as caffeinated as lighter roasts," leaving people who crave a strong cup AND a superhero buzz scratching their sleepy, sleepy heads. In fact, one reviewer claimed the product was both the subject and stimulant for his coffee-based research paper. OK, officially tempted.