Five Hunks of Meat That Are Hard to Beat

As all people know everywhere, it's National Burger Month and National Masturbation Month. So, it seems only logical to combine the two, as some of the burgers around this glorious meat city have gone seriously soft-core. Here are five burgers to chow down on as you settle in for a little private time with Skinamax.

5. The Dirty Love Burger at Love Shack - Tim Love's creation is two 50 percent brisket patties, bacon, American cheese and a fried quail egg. If you don't pre-batter yourself before you get the actual burger, try adding some onion rings.

4. BG Sliders at Burger Girl: It might be a breastaurant, but who cares about that when you can get BG's mildly spicy special sauce not on just on a pair, but on three petite eggy and supple buns? Sauce aside, the best part about Burger Girl's offerings is the savory salty char on the outside of the meat, juxtaposed with the tender vaguely pink center. Did we go too far? No. We didn't even get to the melted white cheddar.

3. The Gold Rush Cafe Burger. The grease alone could be bottled as lube.

2. The Stodg Burger at The Porch - Honestly, we're sick and tired of telling people how awesome the Stodg is. After all, if you've eaten it, then you already know this. And if not, what are you doing with your life? Are you celibate or something? How can you resist the allure of a 6-ounce patty topped with apple wood-smoked bacon, aged cheddar and a fried egg, all nestled on a foie-buttered bun? As far as we're concerned, fathers all over Dallas should take their sons out for a Stodg on their 16th birthdays, so that they might finally become men.

1. The Cheeseburger at The Grape - Two planks of bacon, Vermont white cheddar and that 80/20 combo of chuck/sirloin makes this one worthy of a dark room and a sock.

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