Frito-Lay Is Outsourcing Flavors. We Have Some Ideas.

Maybe you've seen the commercial. It's up there. Michael Symon, the smiliest chef ever, is bouncing his bald head all over the television for Frito-Lay's newest ad campaign/contest. Eva Longoria is even taking time out of her... um... schedule to tout Frito-Lay's flavor outsourcing endeavor! Frito-Lay is begging, "Do Us a Flavor." That's right, You, your Aunt Marge, even your sex offender neighbor, could be the next inventor of America's favorite snack. "But, but, but the original Lay's are delicious."

Yes. Yes, they are. Light and salty, crispy and wonderful. A bag can easily be devoured in minutes. They even make your filthy fingers taste good. They are indeed, the perfect snack. So why mess with an institution? The reward, duh. Which happens to be one million bones. I, for one, believe this to be a fantastic opportunity for people all over to exercise a little creative license and perhaps leave an indelible mark upon the hearts of chip fiends everywhere. So let's get started on a submission, shall we? I imagine it will go something like this:

Dear Frito-Lay,

Please make chips in one or all of the following flavors:

  • My bubbe's potato latkes.
  • The mac and cheese at Sissy's. No. Wait. Pluckers. No, Sissy's. Pluckers. Sissy's. Both.
  • Al pastor tacos.
  • Sausage pizza from this place in Chicago that I went to once when I lived there for six months but can't remember the name because I was in seventh grade when I lived there and seventh-graders are assholes so I've blocked most of it out.
  • Cheese. All of it.
  • A cold box of Franzia.
  • Béchamel and ham.
  • The outer crust of a Maple & Motor bun.
  • That magical cheese that happens on the side of the pan when you make lasagna.
  • Cape Cod Original chips. Those are really, really good.
  • Pinterest. Make your chips taste like Pinterest.
  • Garlic Fries at the Ballpark in Arlington.
  • Pork. All of it.
  • A pile of cilantro and onions and cilantro and onions and cilantro and...
  • Il Cane Rosso's bacon marmalade.
  • Fried mozzarella. For the...kids?
  • Cinnamon rolls. I dare you.
  • Lobster. Buttery, oceany, lobstery lobster.
  • A chip that tastes as good as Mike Anderson's BBQ smells.
  • All the cheese fries in that disgustingly awesome slide show those godless gluttons posted this week.

Love, City of Ate

P.S. Sriracha.

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