Girl Drink Drunk: Special Report: American Airlines Center

OK, I know what you're thinking: "American Airlines Center? WTF?"

See, I had my drinking buds prepped and the location staked. I was ready. Then BF Jake and I realized that thanks to my inspired disguise as Alex Trebek at the annual office Halloween contest, we had tickets to see the Dallas Stars not only wipe the ice with Edmonton Oilers, but leave them Sean Avery's sloppy seconds as consolation.

Being a bit of a hockey fan I should have been more excited. Was just so bummed that my girl drink experiments were going to have to wait, that's all. But within the first period my spirits lifted for two reasons that have nothing to do with excellent seats or my love of watching people in ill-fitting team jerseys. First, there was a really long fight (go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.). Then, during a food run, my eyes caught sight of something that proves girl drinks, like the D-Town Boogie, can be found everywhere. A man with hair rivaling all members of Whitesnake and a Modano home jersey held not one, but three foot-and-a-half flutes of swirled slushy beverage that just screamed "Look! Look! Girl drink!"

Note: His wife stood next to him empty handed, save her invisible whip.

After some investigation, we headed to The Dump (not only a horrible name for a furniture store, but also for the full bar on the platinum level of the AAC) to procure my test beverage. The Tall Thing, as I've come to refer to it, is actually a Kingston Bob's Tiki Hut margarita swirl. It's your basic marg swirled up with its strawberry cousin in a fantastic plastic flute that doesn't attract lewd gestures or call attention to you in any way. Promise. I thought about going with just one flavor but decided the striped drink was sort of...cute. Plus, the bartender was of no assistance when I asked him which flavor was preferable.

"I don't know," he said. "I don't drink that stuff. I drink Crown from the bottle like a man...with problems."

We headed back to our section. Sip One provoked an "Oh shit, this is strong." I then realized I had the straw in the very bottom where the regular portion of my Tall Thing had pooled into, basically, a tequila shooter with ice on top...which would be fine if I had ordered or prepared for such a thing. The strawberry portion was far less intense and pretty sweet, so I mixed the two--ruining the Seuss-ian appearance but greatly improving the flavor. After all, there's nothing like an unexpected shot of cheap-ass tequila from a straw to make one realize that there is a good reason for the existence of mixers and chasers.

I started to feel the Tall Thing right about the time the Oilers fan behind me started getting irritating...could be vice versa, but I don't blame Kingston Bob in the slightest for me becoming slightly more vocal in my pro-Stars cheering. And I'm sure that even though I was only a half of the way through that super-rita, it certainly wasn't the drink speaking when an Oiler, perhaps pondering which of Sean's exes to pick from the post-game line up, badly missed our open net. I blurted an original, "Hey, nice shot there big guy!"

The thing about the Kingston Bob's Tiki Hut's concoction is that you can't not drink it. If you're sitting in the stands, there's really no where to put it where you wouldn't knock it over. In fact, by simply being polite to your neighbor and/or their shoes, you inadvertently get plastered. I'm sure this complex issue of balancing tequila, fruity drink, acts of charity and team spirit must be a common problem among sorority girls.

As I knocked back more than a foot of alcoholic brain freeze, I observed that I was wrong for doubting the Dallas Stars ability to provide me not only a win, but also a girl drink. Hockey games actually offer a perfect balance of testosterone and estrogen. There was a fight. There was a plug for a Stars Ice Girl pendant for that "special Stars lady in your life." There were girls with crop tops for guys to ogle...but there was also actual choreography. There were big cups of beer that no one looked twice at. And there was the Tall Thing that apparently can only be served in a tourist tube. So maybe next time I'll just get a beer. It would look better with my ill-fitting Stars jersey anyway. --Merritt Martin

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