OK, I know what you're thinking: "American Airlines Center? WTF?"
See, I had my drinking buds prepped and the location staked. I was ready. Then BF Jake and I realized that thanks to my inspired disguise as Alex Trebek at the annual office Halloween contest, we had tickets to see the Dallas Stars not only wipe the ice with Edmonton Oilers, but leave them Sean Avery's sloppy seconds as consolation.
Being a bit of a hockey fan I should have been more excited. Was just so bummed that my girl drink experiments were going to have to wait, that's all. But within the first period my spirits lifted for two reasons that have nothing to do with excellent seats or my love of watching people in ill-fitting team jerseys. First, there was a really long fight (go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.). Then, during a food run, my eyes caught sight of something that proves girl drinks, like the D-Town Boogie, can be found everywhere. A man with hair rivaling all members of Whitesnake and a Modano home jersey held not one, but three foot-and-a-half flutes of swirled slushy beverage that just screamed "Look! Look! Girl drink!"
Note: His wife stood next to him empty handed, save her invisible whip.
After
some investigation, we headed to The Dump (not only a horrible name for
a furniture store, but also for the full bar on the platinum level of
the AAC) to procure my test beverage. The Tall Thing, as I've come to
refer to it, is actually a Kingston Bob's Tiki Hut margarita swirl.
It's your basic marg swirled up with its strawberry cousin in a
fantastic plastic flute that doesn't attract lewd gestures or call
attention to you in any way. Promise. I thought about going with just
one flavor but decided the striped drink was sort of...cute. Plus, the
bartender was of no assistance when I asked him which flavor was
preferable.
"I don't know," he said. "I don't drink that stuff. I drink Crown from the bottle like a man...with problems."
"I don't know," he said. "I don't drink that stuff. I drink Crown from the bottle like a man...with problems."
We headed back to our section. Sip One
provoked an "Oh shit, this is strong." I then realized I had the straw
in the very bottom where the regular portion of my Tall Thing had
pooled into, basically, a tequila shooter with ice on top...which would
be fine if I had ordered or prepared for such a thing. The strawberry
portion was far less intense and pretty sweet, so I mixed the
two--ruining the Seuss-ian appearance but greatly improving the flavor.
After all, there's nothing like an unexpected shot of cheap-ass tequila
from a straw to make one realize that there is a good reason for the
existence of mixers and chasers.
I started to
feel the Tall Thing right about the time the Oilers fan behind me
started getting irritating...could be vice versa, but I don't blame
Kingston Bob in the slightest for me becoming slightly more vocal in my
pro-Stars cheering. And I'm sure that even though I was only a half of
the way through that super-rita, it certainly wasn't the drink speaking
when an Oiler, perhaps pondering which of Sean's exes to pick from the
post-game line up, badly missed our open net. I blurted an original,
"Hey, nice shot there big guy!"
The thing about the Kingston Bob's Tiki Hut's concoction is that you can't not
drink it. If you're sitting in the stands, there's really no where to
put it where you wouldn't knock it over. In fact, by simply being
polite to your neighbor and/or their shoes, you inadvertently get
plastered. I'm sure this complex issue of balancing tequila, fruity
drink, acts of charity and team spirit must be a common problem among
sorority girls.
As I knocked back more than a
foot of alcoholic brain freeze, I observed that I was wrong for
doubting the Dallas Stars ability to provide me not only a win, but
also a girl drink. Hockey games actually offer a perfect balance of
testosterone and estrogen. There was a fight. There was a plug for a
Stars Ice Girl pendant for that "special Stars lady in your life."
There were girls with crop tops for guys to ogle...but there was also
actual choreography. There were big cups of beer that no one looked
twice at. And there was the Tall Thing that apparently can only be
served in a tourist tube. So maybe next time I'll just get a beer. It
would look better with my ill-fitting Stars jersey anyway. --Merritt Martin
