Handle The Proof: Things I Just Won't Drink

We can all come up with a list of drinks we deeply regret trying. Some of them were probably part of our repertoire at one point in time. For example, back when I was a high school n'er-do-well, groups of us sneak bottles of Cold Duck or, worse, Malt Duck for weekend bashes.

If you're not familiar with either, be thankful.

There are also plenty of flaming things and silly dare shots. A bartender friend of mine experimented for quite some time until he perfected something that both looked and tasted like Scope. Don't know why, really--although he did take great pleasure in hooking customers with "wanna try our new shot? It's called the Mouthwash."

But there are regular, everyday liquors and mixed drinks that I just can't order. Rum and Coke, for instance--a great song by the Andrews Sisters, but as a boost to your blood alcohol count, plain old rum is much more enjoyable. Or the Cosmopolitan, just 'cause a certain television program made it off limits for insecure men.

That's just the start.

Jack & Coke: The idea behind this mixed drink baffles me--even moreso when I hear people order Jack and Diet Coke. Unless you just want something to make the soda palatable, the purpose is to cover the taste of alcohol. Oh, I know there are complementary caramel notes. I doubt, however, that many Jack & Coke drinkers notice. Worse: To down enough for an enjoyable buzz is to invite a hangover.

Red Bull & Vodka: The former tastes like Karo syrup left out on the pavement and the latter has no flavor. So the purpose would be? Oh, yeah--to keep yourself stable while you build, again, to the inevitable sugar induced hangover.

Dirty Martini: Someone once posted a comment on this sight rueing the destruction of martinis with olive brine (as if they weren't already ruined by vodka). The person suggested if you like salty juice that much, just order a glass of it with a vodka chaser. I say men drink their alcohol unpolluted.

Sex on the Beach: OK, so I've never had one. Don't even know what goes into it. So I'll admit that I might actually like the drink.

Kamikaze: On the surface, squeezing some fresh lime into vodka sounds good. A little orange liqueur adds sweetness and a hint of bitter character. Of course, no one makes them with care. It's a college slam drunk drink. And at some point I grew up. Damn it.

Jager Bomb: Again, at some point I grew up.

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Dave Faries
Contact: Dave Faries