Should you be the sort to stick blueberries and strawberries on top of a pound cake and call it patriotic, or arrange crudités so they look like fireworks, get out now. Realize that blue cheese isn't as terrifically blue as everyone likes to say it is, so we ask that you stop crumbling it on top of watermelon just for the color scheme and go stand by the wall.
For everyone else, we realize that July 4 has strayed from its a-few-guys-signing-the-Declaration roots to something that requires obnoxious hats, singed or blown off hands and a variety of campy foods. Here are our five favorite foods to celebrate Independence Day, with a corresponding level of camp.
This slushie from Dunkin' Donuts This is supposed to be promoting the Captain America movie, but anything with America in the title automatically becomes patriotic, regardless of intent (see: Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA," or The Guess Who's "American Woman"). And although it kind of looks more like the French flag than anything, Dunkin' Donuts still wants you to drink something giant and tri-colored out of their three-chambered cups. Any other color combination is unpatriotic.
Snacking on soldiers offends me the way chocolate crosses should offend Christians. But if a bowl of these substitute even one plate of star-shaped sugar cookies with red, white and blue sprinkles, then I say it was worth it. I guess. It still kind of seems like something terrorists gnaw on in their holes.
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This coming-to-a-state-fair-near-you snack has rocked Twitter and food blogs for the past couple weeks, and it's still steadily climbing the charts. And with good reason: Tf there is anything more down-home (read: delightfully trashy) American than balls of "Kool-Aid batter" dunked in hot oil, please, tell us. Besides Rocket Pops, I can't think of a thing.
State steaks (stakes?)
Which begs the question: why eat anything if it doesn't resemble something else? Sure, your beef may be grass-fed and home-grown, but what does that matter if it's not in the shape of one of the original colonies?
Just about anything you can do with Pop Rocks
Without getting into fizzy drinks, Pop Rocks are the closest we can get to eating fireworks (except for those guys who swallow sparklers, but I don't know if we can legally recommend that.) It turns out that there are plenty of recipes that call for Pop Rocks, such as using them on the rim of a margarita glass (You're drinking margaritas on American Independence Day? Traitor. Have a Heineken instead.) They're also used in cakes, cupcakes, cheesecakes and cookies (look! Those are star-shaped!). Or just have a packet with a can of Coke. We dare you.