How 'Bout Them Knockers: Wang's Chinese Cafe

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Each week in 'Knockers' we order from a different delivery restaurant, assessing their efficiency and keeping a running score.

Wang's Chinese Café
6033 Luther Lane

Promised delivery time: 45 minutes
Actual delivery time: 60 minutes

Scoring Summary:
Having all my info on file for an easy phone transaction: 15
Providing entertainment ( in other words, providing endless "wang" jokes for my roommate and me to come up with while we waited): 40
Having my stomach ask me where the food was in an angry Mr. T voice: -15
Jumbo wontons: 10
Finally getting a fortune cookie: 20

Total: 70
(Wang's fails to dent the coveted Top Ten.)

Top Ten

See complete 2009 standings here

Around 3:30 p.m. on a busy Wednesday afternoon, after having a meltdown at my desk [editor's note: caused, most assuredly, by Wilonsky and not by any City of Ate demands], I realized there was no way I was cooking dinner tonight.

My impatience with [name deleted, but let's assume it was Wilonsky] gave me the perfect opportunity to practice one of my secret shame rituals...ordering enough Chinese food to feed the Swiss Guard (times are tough, I can't afford to feed the Russian Army--and I don't even know if they like Chinese food). The second I got home I started digging through our junk/delivery menu drawer until I found the winner. Congratulations Wang's Chinese Café.

Yes, the name of the restaurant is actually Wang's. And, yes, I hoped some Wang's would make me a happy girl.

I called up Wang's to place my large order expecting to spend five minutes on the phone going over everything from my place of residency to do I want steamed or fried rice with that? The man on the phone picked up and said "Wang's" with a stern voice (just hearing that word throbbing over the line had my heart beating and mouth watering). The ordering process was surprisingly easy: all they do is ask for your phone number and, if you're a repeat customer like myself, they access the vitals. It makes for a simple over the phone transaction.

The 45 minutes they promised over the phone slowly, very slowly turned into 60 minutes. I know, 15 minutes isn't that long, but when you have your stomach actually talking to you in a certain A-Team cast member's voice, then you know it's ready to chow down. "I pity the fool who delivers my food."

My delivery man finally showed up, and it was another disappointment. The usual guy is a Mr. Miyagi look-alike, who always makes my day with his energetic personality and smiling face. This dude just handed me the bag while giving me the "OK, now it's your turn to give me the tip" look.

I tore into my brown bag and started my ritual. While throwing everything onto my dining table, I noticed that the complimentary bag of wontons wasn't an ordinary one. They were jumbo wontons, the biggest I've ever seen before--as round as a Coke bottle and...um, leave it to Wang's to go by the concept "bigger is better."

So I decided to save those for later and started off with the crab puffs that looked like paper footballs and tasted more like cardboard footballs. I quickly moved over to my General Tsao's Chicken. The chicken actually felt like I was trying to chew a rubber ducky, which is not an easy task by the way. By that point I was frustrated, and decided to just eat the fried rice, which was alright with a little soy sauce and pepper on it.

Lucky for them, I'm an easy girl to please--as long as certain requirements are met. They redeemed themselves by giving a fortune cookie. Now I know that "business matters require attention....in bed."

I really don't know what I should think about that, but I did get a good laugh out of it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, everyone has their off nights and I'm not quite ready to give up on my Wang's. Plus, I need someone to practice my wax on, wax off with.

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