Halloween is the one day of the year when you pretend like you don't give a shit about what other people think of you, dress up like an idiot, and proceed to get really hammered while looking like a Ninja Turtle or something. Some people start planning for their Halloween costumes months in advance, but if you're like us, you're probably just going to put some new tape around your glasses and call yourself a nerd.
But you can be better than that. Your Halloween costume doesn't have to be some boring, generic bullshit, not with a city full of "celebrity" chefs to inspire you and your fellow partiers' outsize familiarity with those chefs' signature looks. Skip out of work early and gather your supplies for one of these five chef costumes, which are much more interesting than anything that you were thinking about wearing tonight. (Except you, Ebola Man. You stick to the plan. No, really, it's a great idea.)
Matt McCallister (above) The first step of a McCallister costume is going to be acquiring some of those pantyhose-like tattoo sleeves at Party City. Buy two. Then find some plating tweezers (the ones that you use on your ingrown hairs will probably do) and walk around the party neatly rearranging your friends' poorly plated appetizers. Take a baseball cap, stomp it around in mud until it looks perfectly beat to shit. Then, fill up an artisanal leather pouch with random weeds foraged from your garden and sling it around your waist. Don't forget to give very few fucks.
John Tesar You will need some black-rimmed glasses (left over from last year's nerd costume), but you're not allowed to put them where they actually go. Glue the glasses to your forehead, throw on a dark apron, and start working on your best New York accent. You'll also need a really profane Twitter account, a 14-year-old steak and a slightly oversized grudge against Leslie Brenner.
Dean Fearing Everyone who is richer than you can immediately recognize who Dean Fearing is, and this could be a way to charm yourself into some classier parties than the ones you'll be invited to. Find an immaculate white chef's coat and a big dorky sports watch. The finishing touch, of course, is a pair of thousand-dollar custom Lucchese boots. You probably already have those laying around, right?
Tim Love This chef-inspired costume is easy-peasy, especially if you're a fan of liqueurs and Hellman's mayonnaise. Find a brightly colored western shirt or smoke-stainted chef's coat, a cowboy hat, and some boots. Carry a jar of the Love-endorsed mayo and tell all your friends about how it can improve their cooking. Most importantly, you'll need to keep a bottle of Tuaca around all night long, take shots directly from the bottle until you are no longer able to stand. Spike your hair, and fucking rage.
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