How to Pull Together a Cheap Last-Minute Easter Basket

Last year it wasn't until 10 p.m. the night before Easter Sunday that I remembered it was absolutely definitely time to round up some Peeps and chocolate peanut butter eggs to fill baskets, which is partially on account of me not wanting to spend money on things that will be obliterated within one hour of being received. Procastination with silly expenditures, if you will.

So, at the store, I was carefully taking stock of the Peep selection when a really loud shopper went to check out. She wasn't being mean or anything, just yelling instead of talking.

Meanwhile, another lady at a register about 15 feet away was busy getting her credit card declined or something like that. She was clearly pissed. Funny thing happened then, Credit Card Denied Lady got real irritated with Loud Lady.

In her best Easter voice she said, "Why don't you shut the !$ up?" (It's Good Friday, I'm trying to keep it clean.)

It made me wonder, why am I a slave to this game? This giant bunny game? It's for fools.

I stayed with the Peeps where big displays created a solid barrier between us and the crazy ladies, should things get out of hand. Weird thing, Peeps have some serious social anxiety issues. They were terrified.

Loud Lady wouldn't let it rest, I sensed nothing rests much with her. She kept on and about two minutes later, Credit Card Denied Lady (CCDL from here on out) just had it. Like a big fat golden egg, had it.

"B!&*#, Imma knock you the !$ out."

He is risen! So, Easter shopping can be dangerious business. Here's a cheap and easy Easter basket 10-point tip sheet:

1. If you failed to dye eggs and your kids called you out on it Saturday when the window of opportunity had already passed, don't worry. This is a totally harmless and mess-free project for your kids to do while you nap on Sunday. A dozen eggs are like a dollar this weekend. This is the first gift for their baskets.

2. You can use Kool-Aid packets to dye eggs. Buy a rainbow of packets that cost about 25 cents apiece. Pow! Five gifts down.

3. If you have time to hit the Dollar Store, just buy the absolute cheapest basket you can find. These are just a means to carry the chocolate. They don't matter. Otherwise, do something with a brown paper bag and scissors.

Side Note: If you've made it this far with me, you know as well as I do that you (nor I) have any business trying to get ideas from Pinterest at this point. Pinterest will shame you. Fight your weight. Stay with me. Don't "Pinterest" anything.

4. A letter from the Easter Bunny is the.best.gift.ever. It's free and can be used as a disciplinary tool. Did your kids doing something awful recently? Bring it up in the letter. The Easter Bunny knows all. That'll keep 'em straight for at least the rest of the day.

5. To make this last-minute-on-the-cheap plan even more entertaining, go to as shady a place as possible as late at night as possible to assemble your Easter basket. Twenty-four-hour pharmacies offer great last-minute sales and an assortment of entertainment. Like the other night a guy begged me for a ride to the police station where his car got impounded on account of a DUI the night before. He even said he'd ride in the trunk, and I took quick note of his fascinations with trunks and decided not to partake in his evening. At all. (No, I hadn't considered it before he mentioned the trunk.)

6. When choosing candy, first consider yourself. What do you want? Buy that. Kids always get everything; you get nothing. You're out late at night, spending money in a mean, loud, drunk world. It's like applying the oxygen mask to yourself first.

7. I did some scouting and highly recommend peanut butter Snickers eggs.

8. Who ever said the Easter bunny doesn't own a vineyard? Or agave plants? Grab a bottle of wine or airplane-sized tequila shots. Patron Café will take the edge off while you watch your kids paint eggs the next day, after eating all that candy for breakfast.

9. Peeps. Just do it. Peeps are fantastic. Slit some of them open the night before for stiffness (the packages, not the Peeps, unless you want to create a whole scene like people did with that Elf at Christmas. Like maybe two different tribes of Peeps got in a huge fight and they got knives and forks out and went all crazy on each other. Your kid has a sense of humor, right?)

10. Don't buy that fake grass. It'll get everywhere, forever. Again, this is another thing that adults think "gives the gift more meaning," but kids don't care because they can't eat it. And you'll be pulling it out of the vacuum for a year.

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