Listen up, baseball fans. In March, over half of ESPN's experts predicted the Rangers would make the playoffs. Now, there's not a Lemon Chill's chance in an August afternoon game that we'll finish higher than third place. With the All Star break behind us, Your Texas Rangers® are officially the worst team in baseball.
Sowhat are you, Dallas' best baseball fan, to do? Though our injured catcher chooses another popular pain-eraser, we here at the City of Ate blog can only recommend one thing: drink beer. Lots and lots of beer.
A disappointment this grave requires something better than Miller Lite or the other standard Ballpark offerings. With the help of our friends on the inside, we scoured the spreadsheets and purchase orders of the food and beverage vendors of Globe Life Park to present to you, the thirsty and disheartened fan, the complete guide to buying non-shitty beer at a Rangers' game.
Major League Brewhouse -- Section 118 (3rd base) This is the pièce de résistance of better-than-average drinking at Globe Life Park. The Major League Brewhouse is a new addition for this season and features five of the following draft beers on rotation -- Community Wheat, Oskar Blues' Mamma's Little Yella Pills, Goose Island Honkers Ale, Alaskan Summer, Franconia Wheat, Grapevine Craft Brewery's Lakefire Rye Pale Ale, Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA, Real Ale's Firemans 4 Squared, or Deschutes Chainbreaker IPA. Slap the Bud out of grandpa's hand, because it's 2014 and we can buy locally-made, award-winning beer at a baseball game in Dallas. Well, technically in Arlington. And there's no public transportation. But hey! Craft beer!
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Beers of Texas -- Sections 26 (home plate), 46 (right field), 210 (club level, left field), and 328 (upper deck, home plate) These stands are scattered around the park and are going to be your best bet to easily find a brew that doesn't suck. On draft, they serve St. Arnold's Lawnmower alongside two Rahr & Sons -- Texas Red and Blonde Lager. They also stock cans of Rahr's exceptionally refreshing Pride of Texas Pale Ale, Dale's Pale Ale (which isn't from Texas, but we'll happily claim one of Colorado's finest), and Real Ale's Firemans #4 (a silver-medal winner at the 2012 Great American Beer Fest). Of course, all manner of Shiner is available in bottles as well.
Dublin' Up Irish Pub -- Section 211 (club level) Do you get it? Because, when you two of your base runners make outs on the same play it's known as getting "doubled up." Also, Dublin is a city in Ireland, a country known for it's prominent beer culture. This "pub" serves Boddington's, Goose Island's 312 Urban Wheat, and Red Hook on draft. For the sake of air conditioning, we're more than willing to overlook the fact that a wheat beer brewed in Chicago doesn't seem particularly Irish.
Centerfield AleHouse -- Section 46 (center field, obviously) One of my favorite new traditions on the long road to the start of baseball season is when the Rangers' PR staff rolls out all of the crazy-ass new concessions, tempting young and old to spend 26 American dollars on a stupidly long hot dog or racial-stereotype-themed sandwich. This year, they debuted frozen beer -- draft Kirin Ichiban, poured at 20 degrees Fahrenheit from some sort of physics-defying Devil machine and topped with frozen beer foam. It's only available at this one spot in the Ballpark and is exceptionally weird to drink. But, it doesn't suck and stays cold longer than anything else you can find. Except, perhaps, the Rangers offense.
Rest In Peace, hopes and dreams.