Each week, the Cheap Bastard goes looking for a new place to eat a meal for less than nine million dollars. This week, she finds the man of her dreams at La Victoria, 1605 N Haskell Ave., 214-827-0101.
Dinosaur toy guarding the barbed wire fence count: 1 Times I've driven past this restaurant and thought it was an abandoned building: 4,938
You're sitting in your car, daydreaming about what it would be like to punch Rachael Ray in the tit, just waiting for the red light at Ross and Haskell avenues to turn green. That's when a restaurant with bars on its windows and the words "MEXICAN FOOD" painted on its carport in multicolor, circus-y letters catches your eye. You pray that the restaurant is actually named "Mexican Food," because wouldn't that be refreshing in a world of trying-too-hard, what-does-Yummilicious-even-mean-and-seriously-Cane-Rosso-doesn't-even-serve-dogs-on-their-pizzas-that's-false-advertising restaurant names.
As it turns out, the restaurant is named La Victoria. So, it has a normal restauranty restaurant name. Bummer. And pretty sure Victoria isn't on the menu, either, so disappointment level is pretty high as you sit down at the bar for lunch.
Then you notice that the guy at the end of the bar only has four teeth. And this place takes credit cards. And there's a fancy oil painting of the outside of La Victoria on the wall inside La Victoria.
Signs are quickly beginning to point to awesome.
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For just seven bucks, you encounter two of the biggest tamales you've ever seen, plus a giant serving of rice and super lardy refried beans. This isn't just Mexican food. It's Mexican food that's just as circus-y as the letters on the outside of the building. The giant, must've been 422-pound pork tamales are freak-show good. I swear there were more ounces of meat in these tamales than there are in a Stackhouse burger. They had more meat in them than Jenna Jameson on a shoot day. Maybe you're worried you can't handle these giant, meaty tamales. Maybe you're that guy who says, "More doesn't always mean better." To you, I say two things: 1) I'm sorry you just told me so much about that tiny, tiny shlittle shlong of yours. 2) Seriously, that thing must be microscopic.
Be sure to take a spin on their crazy-ass carnival ride of a hot sauce. It'll make you breathe fire. From your butt. "I will smite you with my fire dumps!" (Perw! Perw! And other laser noises that my mighty fire dumps make! Perw!) It's rad.
Roughly translated, "La Victoria" means "Holy shit, we serve giant tamales and super-hot hot sauce and tons of beans, you guys." You should go there. Maybe even try their breakfast tacos, which Four-Tooth said are, "Yeeeeeees." I really hope he's there when you go.