Complaint Desk

Let's Get Heat Index Hammered: The Bitching-About-Texas-Summer Drinking Game

Here in North Texas in July, it's not just hot outside — it's boil your armpits off hot. The level of heat here is totally inappropriate. When it gets this hot outside, it seems like there's one thing we all instinctively do to cope: constantly talk about how hot it is outside and incessantly post photographic evidence of how hot it is on social media.

The sad thing? It's not even that hot yet, you guys. Jon Snow got it fuckin' wrong: Summer is coming. Worse Summer. More Summer. The Most Summering is about to happen. We could complain about it all day, but why just do that when we can complain and get hammered at the same time?

That's right: It's time once again to get weather wasted. Here's how you play our favorite summer drinking game, Heat Index Hammered:

Drink when you hear digits. "OMG, it's supposed to be 103 today. Can you even believe that tho?" Drink.

Drink when you see a photo that includes the current outside temperature.
Your aunt loves to post pictures of her car thermostat on Facebook with captions like, "Well, I guess it's officially summer!" Drink.

Drink when strangers weather-smalltalk you. Anytime a stranger or acquaintance or elevator-sharer who's not a professional weatherman brings up the weather, you drink. "Gah — it is so hot out today!" they say, even though it's been this hot for 20 days straight. Drink. "Hot enough out here for you?" DOUBLE DRINK.

Chug if someone says the words "heat index" or "feels like."
There's the regular temperature that forecasters forecast and then, there's this asshole of an extra hot pain fart that they add called the "heat index." In some cases, they list it as the "feels like" temperature. Google defines "heat index" as "a quantity expressing the discomfort felt as a result of the combined effects of the temperature and humidity of the air." Texans describe it as bullshit — because you can't quantify the pain of a Texas summer in numbers. It has to be words.

If the heat index was "the inside of a dragon's angry fire butt after eating 500 ghost peppers" or "Total Recall melt your face off" or "just start crying now hot," I would totally support this forecasting. But to say "It'll be a high of 115 today, with a Feels Like temp of 178!" just makes my lungs preemptively cave in to brace for the heat pain. And it doesn't even properly prepare you. If it's dragon butt hot, at least I know not to wear socks. In any case: Chug.

We hope you survive the summer. It's supposed to be a scorcher today! (Drink.)
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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade