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Looming Worldwide Baconocalypse? Texas Has The Solution.

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First we have the Mayan calendar to contend with. Then, Miley cut all her hair off. Now, there's another apocalypse in the works...

Bloomberg Business reported today that because of a dramatic rise in grain prices around the world, feeding pigs over their projected lifetimes costs more than what they're worth. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, there was a major influx of bacon in U.S. warehouses last month -- rising 31 percent at the end of August. Basically, corn is so expensive farmers lose money by feeding pigs. Sending them to market cuts their losses, which created a short-term influx but a long-term shortage.

Bloomberg Business reported, "73.3 million hogs processed in eight months through August were the most in three years, U.S. Department of Agriculture data show. Pork supply will drop to the lowest per-capita since 1975 next year, the USDA estimates."

But, wait a second. Might we have a solution just underfoot? Isn't Texas rampant with wild hogs? Yes, it is. Scott Reitz recently reported on a excess of 2 million. If we all work together on this, we can create a bacon-opoly and, once again with an eye towards secession, create our own country based our supply of oil and gas, access to the world through our own ports and a governor with great hair.

Now all we do is leverage our budding population of wild boar in this sellers market and then slap on a stiff export tariff. Bam! Texas is finally the best country in the world. No taxes and, sure, a questionable education system, but who needs trig when all you need to know is how to set a trap?

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Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.


Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.