Cheap Bastard

Maple & Motor: Save Us Seat for a Tasty Burger...If You Dare.

I heard that Maple & Motor was small and that you gotta get there early if you don't want to have to wait in line, so I made it to there by 11:30 a.m. A buncha assholes must've heard I was on my way and decided to beat me there, because by the time I rolled up the parking lot was packed and there was already a line of drooling humanity oozing its way out the door.

Outside, there's a sign on the door telling you that you've gotta order before you get yourself a table. This tells me that at some point Dallas showed up in her Sam Moon bangles, was a dick lick and started saving tables for a party of 20 that never showed. Don't ever be this person. This person who saves shit for people. I hate you, Saver. I hate you when you're saving seats at the movies. I hate you when you're saving a spot for your friend in line in front of me. I even hate you when you're saving your virginity for your wedding night as if Jesus gives half a holy turd. (Newsflash: Horrible lays and your mom made that abstinence shit up in the '40s. I was there).

I digress.

Once inside Maple & Motor, I followed an insider tip and ordered a cheeseburger everything-onnit plus bacon. Add a side of tots (which you can get cheesy-baconed) and a drink. I had intended to get something from the fountain, but on my way over there I noticed the iced tea labeled "Jolly Rancher Tea" was totally seducing me with its spigot. So, I went for it. And oh my Robert Downey Jr., it was so beyond delicious. I'm officially a fan of watermelon Jolly Rancher candy (was it cherry? I think it was watermelon) and iced tea doing the deed.

So, how was the burger? The burger was so good I can't even give you details about the decor of the inside of this place even though I was there like an hour. I blame the happy meat fog. Burger was juicy, still pink in the middle and the meat-to-condiment ratio was spot on. (Some people would call it messy. I would call those people pussies.) This place has its shit together. And by "shit," I mean "sweet, sweet, totally bangable burgers."

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade