McDonald's is "Testing" Chorizo Burritos in Dallas. Spoiler Alert: They're Really Bad

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The Dallas food map is studded with breakfast taco-burritos that will blow the socks clean off your feet. Some of them come with jalapeno ranch. Good 2 Go in White Rock has big hangar steak and egg tacos that will you make you cry hollandaise tears. They're good, cheap, and they can bust a hangover apart like a pinata.

See also: Dallas Five Best Breakfast Tacos

To get in the breakfast taco game, McDonald's is testing chorizo breakfast sort-of burritos at Dallas-area McD's. The ad at the drive-thru window showed two chorizo burritos, just hanging out near some rope and horeshoes because that's what we do here in Texas. They come two for three bucks, and each one is about the size of tube of toothpaste.

I don't know what it is about McDonald's food, maybe it's those superfun chemicals, but getting one of those crisply folded white to-go bags always turns me into a hungry maniac. I really had to fight the urge to tear through the bag with one hand (one hand on the wheel, swerving to avoid hitting squirrels) and attack the two heartburn sticks with instant hunger fury. The reason it gets to that point is: If you've come to the understanding that you're getting McDonald's, you are getting McDonald's. You become Jason Bourne. When I need McDonald's, I suddenly know Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Once unwrapped, the chorizo smell clings you to forever.

One of the burritos was injured: It had that construction paper-orange leaking out of its head. Usually, as Houstonia Magazine's Katharine Shilcutt pointed out, that's a good thing. Because: delicious food oils. These chorizo burritos we're all mush and spice. They left a chemical spice / bell pepper taste, with over-nuked eggs and morsels of sauce. After one bite, I wasn't sure there was meat in there. It tasted more like eggs rolled with chorizo cologne. I rubbed some on the tender side of my wrist, so I'd have McDonald's cologne on all day. They weren't even bad-good, which Taco Bell has somehow nailed.

I was also food angry from not asking for those tiny, awesome McDonald's salsa packets. They shouldn't, but those little packets make breakfast McDonald's better. The chorizo burritos could learn a thing or two from salsa.

I fully understand the McDonald's hunger. Sometimes you need it. When I'm at the airport, I always get the two cheeseburger meal with the hot mustard. It's one of the best things. With the chorizo burritos, you're better off running over to Cool & Hot, Good 2 Go or any of the number of breakfast burritos in Dallas that will melt your heart like a plastic cup.

Don't mess with Texas breakfast tacos, McDonald's.

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