Mr. Charlies Hamburgers: Where Feathers Fly And Angels Fear to Tread. (But not Alice.)

Each week, the Cheap Bastard goes looking for a new place to eat lunch for less than nine million dollars. This week: Mr. Charlies Hamburgers.

Guys walking to work chugging a paper-bagged tall-boy count: 1 Feather count: a million billion

A while ago, I asked the Twitterfolk if there were any places in Dallas that they were too afraid to try. The Mister Daniel Vaughn (a.k.a. BBQ Snob, a.k.a. the guy who's been to more than 400 barbecue joints in the country) said simply, "Mr. Charlies Hamburgers." Really? Vaughn's been to sketchy places all over the country, and he's scared of one little burger joint? Pussy.

I immediately asked Google to give me directions.

Google: (scared) Uh ... you sure?

Me: Yeah. Mr Charlies Hamburgers. Tell me where that is.

Google: Are you sure, sure, though?

Me: What are you talking about, "Am I sure?" Of course I'm sure. Just fuckin' google yourself, Google.

Google: Fine, asshead. Hope you get crabs.

Me: You can't get crabs from a hamburger, Google. You're such a dumbass.

Google: I'm the dumbass. Sure. Fucking Google is the dumbass? Yesterday you asked me how to spell "J-Lo."

Me: Fuck your mom's home page, Google.

Mr. Charlies (no, there's no apostrophe) Hamburgers, is just behind a Pilgrim's Pride chicken-processing facility on Good Latimer Expressway. Everything here is super cheap; there's no à la carte item on the menu more than $3.25 (the double meat burger) and you can order a combo (burger, fries and a drink) for just $3.50.

"I'd like the jalapeño burger, onion rings and a Mexican Coke," I ordered, as a truck of empty chicken cages wafted past. Feather bits floated in the air as I found a nice little spot in the direct sun at one of the two un-umbrellaed picnic tables out front. Free tans with every order, y'all.

Played a short game of Name That Smell ("Innards, entrails, spoiled milk ... and what is that? Dead guy?") and just like that, my food was ready. It was immediately evident that everyone else who patronizes this establishment accepts that Mr Charlies' location isn't ideal, smell-wise, and they do the smart thing: they call ahead to order and take their food to-go.

I can't agree with the one Yahoo review from 2005 that exclaims that Mr Charlies Hamburgers has, "The best hamburgers in Dallas!" If you're into a thin patty, this place has the thinnest patty I've ever seen. It was Rachel Zoe-thin. I'm more of a Roseanne Barr burger patty girl. I did, however, enjoy the crunchy onion rings and that delicious Mexican Coke. If you find yourself in the area, stop by and say hi to the nice lady at Mr Charlies. It's a much more fun food experience than you could ever get at any Jack In The Crack.

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